10. The Future
It was the quickest yet slowest week I’ve lived. In the barrage of tests, scans, injections, X-rays, I barely processed, let alone felt like I knew what was going on.
That’s why I wrote these posts. Not to glorify being sick, not to create a shrine to my tumor. Rather, this was my way of beginning the healing process both physically and mentally. To remember that this happened, but to remember that despite how cruel it seemed at the time, that life reveals light in the cracks if you choose to look for them.
While the doctors got the tumor out, I will have to go for MRIs every 6 months to make sure this thing doesn’t grow back for at least the next 1o years. But, just like how writing will help me remember the to look for the good, those check ups will do the same. They’ll be markers on my journey to be thankful that doctors caught this early, let alone caught it at all. That I’ve gone through this, and came out with more of a desire to use this for good, for hope.
Lately, I’ve woken up at 6:30. My body is used to doctors rounds, it anticipates my vitals being checked. But, instead of my vitals being checked I pace my apartment, imaging I’m in the hospital in my hospital room. I’ve turned it into my moment of meditation of reflection. For me to check my own vitals at the beginning of the day.
These are the things I remind myself:
- That despite the initial drag of the undertow, you’re strong. Reorienting takes only a second.
- That risks are opportunities for things to go right, not a promise of what’s going to go wrong.
- That for me, a belief in the good of fate but an anchor in my faith have to coexist. They’re symbiotic and I need to do more to fight for that balance.
- That, like music. There’s times when you need to know when not to play. Times when you have to accept rest.
- That while rest is good, healing isn’t passive. It requires your progress. Sometimes, you just need to get up and walk.
I don’t feel like the secrets of the universe has been revealed to me, but if this has taught me anything, it’s that life is great, despite the darkest times and life’s cruellest twists there’s always hope, there’s always light. You’re stronger than you know and have the power to change your perspective, if not your situation. You have people around you who deeply and innately care about you, even if the speed of life means we don’t always verbalize it. Anything that looks insurmountable becomes a chapter in your unique story.