Brave Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

Update from the authors: We began a private group on Facebook called, SONAR — Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Rising. If you’re looking for support and a safe space to chat about what you've endured, or currently enduring, please join us. Here’s the link.

Maureen Herman and Katie Schwartz wrote an article titled, “If Trump has a Personality Disorder it may be the “What” in the collective “WTF?,” featured in Extra News Feed, Huffington Post and Boing Boing, and others.

Our article begs the following questions, did America just elect a malignant, psychopathic narcissist (Donald Trump)? We aren’t “armchair psychiatrists,” nor are we misrepresenting ourselves. Through personal narrative and exhaustive research, we cite The Goldwater Rule, Mental and Physical fitness to serve as equally important, and, among other things, all of the characteristics of NPD and how that might play out under a Trump presidency should he have this psychiatric disorder.

Below, you’ll find stories written by profoundly brave survivors of narcissistic abuse, some from childhood under a parent, and some from partners and other relationships. We are deeply inspired and humbled by the courage each person has demonstrated.

Unfortunately I understand the entire article and could have taken it to a thick novel. However what I’ve learned from personal experience it would fall on deaf ears as the whistle blower would be stamped as the crazy one.

I am male, age 61, well educated and unfortunately was (was is the key word) married to a female with NPD…..for 18 years. Touching on that, there were good times as well as a lot of head scratching (WTF???). The marriage ended in 2009 and I buried my nose in Psyche books until one day I hit on the right disorder and thought …..OMG, that explains a lot !!! The original discovery was in Sam Vatkins …….. Malignant Self Love.

So, in 2015 I overheard Trump on TV talking about John McCain and caught that lack of empathy. That’s when I started paying attention ………. NO, it can’t be !! Well, I became consumed again …… researching Trump, etc……and yes it is. The oddity in this ….the prior nut in my life was higher functioning than this clown. The day he was actually elected I was in shock for a few days. Now the world has to deal with CRAZY for 4 years or less.

My take is “people in high places” might handle the matter (which would still be saddening for the country), perhaps the possibility of impeachment (also sad for the country) or whatever. The fact is our country has and will continue to suffer. Also (as you are aware) people who have been traumatized by an NPD will suffer all over again.

But thank you for voicing your factual article. — D

Never before have I heard so succinctly what I went through for 17 years. The cycle you mentioned almost perfectly matches my relationship with my first wife, from the day we met to the day we separated — and it goes on even now as we co-parent our child, who also suffers from narcissistic abuse from her mother.

I can remember several instances where we degenerated to meta-arguing because she refused to even consider my emotional state from something she had said or done. Afterward, she would always try to have sex with me, to “make it better”, and like an idiot I believed her. But even sex with her was all about doing it her way.

She also refuses to believe that she sexually assaulted me. It happened once, about eight years ago, and I still can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve talked to two different therapists about it, but ultimately I’m going to live with it for the rest of my life.

Even now, remarried to someone who is nothing like my ex, I find myself constantly behaving as if she is acting in a narcissistically-abusive fashion. She’s not, and the intellectual side of me knows it, but that side still can’t overcome my long-ingrained behaviors, no matter how hard I try. (It probably doesn’t help that I have dysthymia with double-depression, and that I’ve been diagnosed as borderline BPD by a neuropsychologist. Medication helps me deal with the depression, but it can’t change who I am.) — J

Here’s just one example of my personal experience with someone who had #NPD:

The last time I had dinner with my mom (#Narcissist), she stopped mid-bite and looked me in the eye. Point blank, with a cold, matter-of-fact, and unemotional tone, she said to me (her daughter):

“If I could do it all over again, I never would have had children. What a waste of 20 years of my life.”

That was the moment I finally broke free of her gaslighting, manipulation and control over me. I no longer felt the need to please her, be validated by her, be accepted by her, be loved by her. Because I realized it would never happen.

That was the moment I realized that I’d never get what I needed from her, and my endless attempts to live up to her unrealistic, unreachable, and ever-rising expectations had been for naught.

That was the moment I knew that her physical, emotional, and mental abuse of me for 40 years wasn’t my fault.

It wasn’t me. It was never me. It was her. — Rachel W

I am divorcing someone who is an addict (supposedly dry now) and who has NPD. It has been absolute hell and I also felt re-traumatized by the election. I have felt like screaming from the rooftops during the election but then, you know, there would be retaliation. Since we have ongoing custody litigation and the divorce is not final yet, I have written anonymously here on medium about a few experiences. I wanted to sooner but didn’t dare — I wonder how many wanted to say things about Trump but were silenced by fear or outright threats? I am still in shock that Trump was elected. Every time I hear about what he says or does it just sends me back into memories and feelings of my abusive relationship. — Space Sea Turtle

Hi Katie, After reading your piece with Maureen on NPD a lot of things began to make sense. My experience has been traumatic living with and breaking up a marriage with a personality that is like this. I was very committed to a person that seemed to just want to be loved. This was an act, because he was securing other women to take of his needs, namely sexual and emotional. All the while, I was faithful and devoted. I believe he resents me for that. His neglect and abuse escalated to violence. His needs were never going to be met. By me or anyone else. Our whole lives were based on his unresolved issues and how he NEEDED all of the time and never seemed to be grateful or satisfied. After another discovery of his betrayal I asked him to leave. After several acts of violence he left but left much of his property behind. So, now the entitlement seems to be in play. He left all responsibility Oct 1 so two months have gone by and his property is still here. He won’t respond to me and my messages. I have done nothing to this person. The last actual words he said tome were “I hope you get hit by a bus”. I have financially and emotionally been there for him and he punched me out and wished me death. This has messed with my head. He keeps telling me to leave him alone while I am trying to help him (again)by trying to help him cut me loose. No response. When he left he took up juggling because he said, after being on the technical side in show business, he was now ready to be a performer and “have his ass kisssed”. He has called me the worst things and yet I still don’t know what I did to receive such a massive onslaught of HATE. I know not everyone is going to like me but I have never been talked to like that and I have never said anything like that to anyone. It is pure hate. My brother who was my closest friend, almost like a twin, died after a harrowing illness and he died with such love in his heart. My mate RAN as soon as I needed. And he has said he hates me for it. His rage and acting out violently were horrific but he always said it was my fault. He smashed sentimental items of mine and in the process cut his hand and had to get stitches and surgery and because he could not juggle for 6 weeks it was because of me. I was locked in the bathroom at he time of his tantrum. His essential need to be focused on and taken care of and not take responsibility befuddles me. He is plowing though women and when the consequences come, it is his parents fault or someone else’s fault. And lashing out without any debate when he is confronted (non-aggressively) and subsequently being insulted for my appearance, age, and failures in life. I had chalked it up to mid life crisis but now I think differently. — T

We welcome any stories you’d like to share with us. Kindly email katiegirl(at)gmail(dot)com.