Dear mom,

I remember you when I was a child. I remember what your night cream smelled like; your skin was always so soft. I have visions of a very young me curling up to you in your bed when dad was out of town. The brothers and I rotating nights, for he was gone what felt like all the time.

Even then I had trouble sleeping. I would lay awake listening to your AM radio that was tucked underneath your pillow, watching the closet curtains dance in the hot California wind, convinced it was really the ghosts I knew…

All the things I say to myself weekly daily hourly just on repeat over and over it never stops.

YOU’RE TOO MUCH. Stop bombarding everyone. Stop apologizing and then firing back up and stop being soooo much. You exhaust people. It’s no wonder everyone gets tired of you because you run around like a nut job on crack who doesn’t sleep and has a million ideas that never pan out and no one wants to listen to you anymore. Not everyone wants to answer your personal questions all the fucking time. Stop pushing. Stop prying and forcing and maybe just…

I wake up and feel nothing. My stomach is full. My chest is tight. I feel tingling in my fingers and toes but my skin is numb and my insides are frozen but they don’t feel frozen they just feel like dead tissue existing only to keep my body upright but never performing at their best because I’ve destroyed them all.

Left alone and I could stare at this wall forever; not a thought in my mind or a rattle in my bones. Just empty air, empty space, empty words.

I haven’t been to therapy in nearly a year. My…

It wasn’t that long ago when I was terrified of being alone. Of being truly single. I’ve been trying to remember the last time it was that I was actually on my own for longer than a few weeks, and I can’t picture it. Even in high school, I was always crushing on someone or hooking up with someone, always boy crazy and wildly in love with someone new every other week.

This fear has led me into relationships when I wasn’t ready, and kept me in them long after they should have been over. Desperate to be partnered. …


I slide my fingers down your face. Onto your neck. Your chest. Your heartbeats as my hand pauses and I inhale and exhale and turn over.

The delicate nature of it all. Getting to know someone.

My eyes closed. I’m listening.

Pay close attention to what these hands do, how they work themselves around each other and hold tight and loose and I twirl my wrists until they crack. I’m staring at the ceiling praying for the right time to leave.

Learning myself again in the town that grew me. Finding the sounds of my sneakers running down the…


It’s blank. My mind. It feels empty, unlike me, it’s distant and cold when all I want is to feel close and warm.

This is disastrous. This heart, these hands, my legs my eyes. Everything hurts, aches, screams. The quiet is overwhelming, how it buzzes and hummmmms long slow blinking stagnant noise. It swells in my room and fills corners and grabs my toes and crawls under the covers with me.

I see myself in the mirror across my room and my eyes are hallow and face dirty and I don’t recognize myself.

I’m shut out. The ultimate silent…

January 26th, 2018.

Where are you uncomfortable? Where does it hurt? Can you feel it everywhere or just one spot?

Focus on it. Focus on how strange or painful or cold it is and hold tight. Don’t ignore. If you push it away or move farther from it then it will grow stronger and chase you down. Move towards it. Step into the absolute unbearable feeling of being unsettled. Make friends with it. Call it up, invite it over.

What is so terrifying about being unsure? About being uncomfortable? Are you afraid people will see you and dislike you? Or…

Me. 2016.

December 31st 2016 I celebrated by doing all of the things I had spent that year trying not to do.

My boyfriend and I went out to eat a nice restaurant. The one he took me to when we first started dating and when I was still very much crazy and unsure of him and when he was still very much in love with me and also unsure of me.

Somewhere within the dinner I became upset and silent and we started our night off screaming at each other in the car. A 20 minute argument that could have been…

I have been so silent. I sit on the floor of my new apartment and listen to my parents walk around above me and I stare out the window into the trees and listen to the wind and there are no longer sounds of the city outside, it’s just rain and mountains and leaves. My body feels as if it is still in a state of shock from the last 3 months. The breakup. The move. The joblessness. The sobriety. The anxiety. The binging. The numbness.

Theres so much talking about how I feel yet I can’t feel any of…

Were you the one?

I really loved you. Sometimes I would just stare and reach out and touch your face and you would roll your eyes and I would laugh and say handsome and it was a little game.

And sometimes you would roll your eyes and say I loved you too much. And sometimes I did.

I remember one night I slammed our bedroom door and laid on the bed crying and you came in and sat next to me and told me that you didn’t think you could give me what I needed. You said your heart wasn’t…

Maya Mayhem

Constructive chaos.

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