Failed Attempts

As I mentioned in my first post, I’ve tried to start a blog multiple times, but lacked the drive to do so. Already, on my second week, I failed to update this one.

I’ve tried to write a little illustrated book of poems. I succeeded, but I don’t know what happened to the book. I’ve attempted to practise writing more poetry, but I didn’t succeed.

I’ve tried to create a scrapbook. I planned the division of pages and though I did get somewhere, I didn’t finish it in time for myself to get bored with the scrapbook making idea.

I’ve tried to write short stories, but I’ve not finished one. I am not experienced at all in writing stories. I think that I would, however, like to publish a book before I die. (This idea is not a goal I have taken seriously, nor actually pondered upon; it is still simply an idea that I may be fine with if it does not occur.)

I have all my drafts of my many stories, but they lack a sense of completeness and some even have plot inconsistencies.

I want this to change.

There are a number of reasons why I believe(d) I have not yet succeeded.

1. Because I’m hiding these goals from everyone, only I can encourage and inspire myself, only I can keep track of my plans. I don’t let anyone see this work. I deny myself a potential support group. This is due to my stupid fear of criticism and my not-so-stupid trait of shyness.

I don’t plan to change this for the time being. I understand that’s my burden to bear, but the mentioned aspects of my personality and fears are not things I plan to change soon. I am more comfortable this way. Living this part of my life in secret. Hiding some of my dreams from my family. I don’t think I ever plan to tell them. At least, not anytime soon.

2. I once thought that my problem was a lack of inspiration. This should not be a reason. I realised a while ago that I should not wait for things to come to me. I have to constantly ponder on ideas. After all, how do authors finish writing so many books within their deadlines?

3. Obviously, procrastination is an issue I’ve had to deal with. This can be seen from my neglect of this blog. Sadly, this problem has led to the loss of some ideas sometimes. Deadlines help, but not in every case. In school, for example, I have to submit my work before the due dates of my assignments; otherwise, I won’t get marks for it — or a large percentage would be deducted from my grade as a punishment.

I wondered what punishments I should create for myself for missing my weekly deadlines. Perhaps an extra post the next week — not including the missing post from the week before — but the implications of the difficulties that would arise from that would, I think, lead to another abandonment of a goal — the last thing I want right now.

So I asked myself why I wasn’t getting things done. Was it because I was lazy? Perhaps a little bit sometimes. I might be wrong, but I believe that I am far from lazy. I will never make the claim to be the smartest person in my classes, but I will say that I am probably one of the most hard-working. I try to make sure that I am always occupied. Was it because I was too busy? No, I may have gotten a new job, but I wasn’t always working. I had time to read while commuting and I had time to spend with my family. I figured it out then. I simply did not dedicate my time in the ways that would allow me to write my posts. I can only write comfortably when alone in a quiet environment. I didn’t set enough peaceful ‘me-time’ for My Musings on Medium.

That is changing, however. I am now sitting in my garden, typing my next few blog posts. I see a spider on my iPad, next to the top bar indicating a dying battery. There are ants crawling over the grass indentations on my limbs. This may not be the ideal ‘me-time’ I planned, but I’m satisfied and at peace with my improvements. This will do for now…