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99 Excuses for Gopher Football

Some old, some new, some cliched, some true

After a tough conference loss last weekend to winless Nebraska (try explaining that sentence to someone in 1995) the feeling is in the air that the honeymoon is over between Golden Gopher football Head Coach PJ, the fans, the University, and the media.

I’m still a believer in Fleck and think this will be an excellent team starting in 2020. However, it’s time to document the number of excuses we’ll hear about the underachieving program. Some have been around for a long time, and some are more recent, so I started a running tally, feel free to add yours.

In no particular order…

1. These things take time.

2. We can only take this one game at a time.

3. Annexstad’s a freshman.

4. Winfield got injured.

5. The running backs are injured (or in custody.)

6. Last year was year zero, and this year is year one.

7. Kaler isn’t committed to the program.

8. Tracy didn’t leave us with much to work with.

9. Brew didn’t leave us with much to work with.

10. Mitch Leidner.

11. Ticket prices are too high.

12. The ticket prices were Woody’s idea.

13. Fans are still disappointed in the break-up of the WCHA, and it’s lowered enthusiasm in athletics as a whole.

14. There’s too much excitement about the Volleyball program.

15. Coach Whalen isn’t drumming up enough support for football.

16. It’s almost basketball season.

17. Reusse’s mean.

18. Barreiro never mentions us.

19. Sid never stops mentioning us.

20. B1G network subscriptions are down.

21. The fans are upset about the non-Saturday game day tailgating situation.

22. Not enough night games.

23. Friday nights are for high school football.

24. Traffic is a nightmare.

25. Parking is a nightmare.

26. Public transportation is a nightmare.

27. The upperclassmen aren’t carrying their weight.

28. Too many students stay in their lavish new high rises watching the game on their big screens.

29. Too many alumni from Wisco, Iowa, and NDSU in town.

30. We need to upgrade the facilities.

31. I mean, I know we got new facilities, but have you seen Northwestern’s new facilities?

32. The band can’t march down University anymore.

33. Not enough millennials are “ponying-up” to support their alma mater.

34. The D-coordinator sucks.

35. The Vikings are heating up.

36. We need to host a big non-conference game at US Bank Stadium to generate more revenue.

37. Not enough team players.

38. Tyler Johnson can’t get the ball every play.

39. Not enough trick plays.

40. It’s not the X’s and O’s it’s the Jim’s and Joe’s.

41. Coyle hasn’t made a public appearance in weeks.

42. The Bank doesn’t sell hard liquor.

43. Every road game in the B1G is tough.

44. We haven’t been able to put it together for a full 60 minutes.

45. We have to bundle tickets with the bad games.

46. There are too many empty seats.

47. We have a long way to go.

48. It’s taking time for our fans to adjust to outdoor football.

49. They’ve taken all the fun out of football.

50. They need to learn the fundamentals. You have to crawl before you run.

51. The local kids never stay (sorry this was meant for the men’s basketball program.)

52. The B1G network doesn’t feature the program enough.

53. We had to share the stadium with the United FC.

54. United FC’s season never ends.

55. Fans don’t understand what the coach is doing day in and out. They don’t “get it.”

56. College football is fixed.

57. People on social media are too negative.

58. The refs have it in for us.

59. We can’t play MAC teams every week.

60. We wish we could play MIAC teams every week.

61. Netflix, Fortnite, and Pornhub are ruining these kids.

62. Imagine where this program would be had they beat Michigan in The Dome.

63. Imagine where this program would be had Holtz never left.

64. Give them a break; they gave it all they had.

65. I’d rather lose than cheat.

66. I’d rather lose than support spousal abuse.

67. I’d rather lose than support sexual assault.

68. I’d rather lose than support child sexual assault.

69. I’d rather lose than exploit sick kids.

70. We need to step it up in the weight room.

71. They can’t all be 6’9”, 400.

72. The oar on the helmet is putting the Coach ahead of the Program.

73. The game was a lot closer than the score indicated.

74. Well, at least they covered.

75. Too much rap at the games. And electronic music.

76. Too much band music.

77. Too much DJ Kool- that’s Wisconsin’s shtick.

78. Too much competition in this market.

79. Fans are still recovering from the Jimmy Butler saga.

80. Games aren’t “family friendly.”

81. There are too many old people at the games.

82. I hate Harbaugh.

83. I hate Delaney.

84. Gameday never comes here.

85. Maybe we can try free admission for students again.

86. Games need to be less than three and a half hours.

87. It was Labor Day weekend.

88. It was M.E.A weekend.

89. Every time we host a top recruit, it snows.

90. Not enough co-eds are showing top recruits a “good time.”

91. Some people around here need to step it up.

92. We need to take better care of the football.

93. Tony Dungy won’t come back.

94. There are only so many members of the Barber family.

95. But they’re winning in the classroom.

96. Did I mention Reusse is mean?

97. We haven’t beaten Wisconsin since the Bush administration.

98. We haven’t won the Rose Bowl since the Kennedy administration.

99. We haven’t won the Quick Lane Bowl since the Obama administration.