Nation Relieved to Learn Entire Government is Controlled by Aliens
In a striking turn of events, it was revealed early yesterday morning that the entire US government has been serving as a front for beings from another planet. The documents and video footage released by an anonymous whistleblower provide incontrovertible proof that every branch of the government has been infiltrated by the alien influence, from the highest echelons of executive power to the lowly county clerk.
This confirmation of what many people on the fringe has speculated for years has been met with surprisingly little distress. “Yeah, honestly, this is just a huge relief,” said Barbara Richards, 45. “I was getting worried that this was all our fault.”
“Man, a lot of things are really starting to make sense…” Darius Washington, 27, said while rubbing his chin and staring pensively into the horizon when faced with the revelation that Americans have ceded control of their globe-spanning civilization to creatures from another solar system.
Instead of the widespread panic and chaos that many conspiracy theorists anticipated would occur on this earth shattering revelation, many Americans heaved a sigh of relief, rubbed their eyes, and broke into a round of overtired laughter.
“Obviously.” Conspiracy expert alientroof69 said in a statement released as a series of tweets. “Do you really think humans would vote against their own interests like that? That individual humans would willfully destroy their environment and allow members of their own species to suffer solely to further their own personal accumulation of material wealth? Aliens are the only explanation.”
Human citizens are advised to wipe the tears of joy from their eyes, take one last victory sip of beer, and then sign up to join the Human Resistance Coalition in order to begin purging the alien influence from their government.