Tips to Get Ahead in the Business World

If you’re reading this, you’re probably an American, which of course means that when you go to sleep every night you dream about striking it rich and painting a bunch of picket fences white and upgrading your spouse to a younger, more attractive model.

Well, guess what? Your dreams are about to become a reality. You’re finally going to get all the wealth and fame and oral sex you know you deserve. I bet I know what you’re thinking right now:

“Mick Theebs, you handsome brilliant well-endowed bastard, how? How am I, a talentless piece of human garbage, going to succeed in anything?”

Yes, you’re basically the human equivalent of a dumpster fire, but I’m a man who likes a challenge and I don’t never give up. I have binders of experience businessing with the best of them, so if you follow my advice to the letter I can promise you that every single one of your dreams and fantasies will come true (even that one where all of your teeth fall out and a baby with a very old face recites the alphabet backwards while a troupe of circus clowns watch in earnest. Especially that one.)

All you need to do is internalize these tips that I’m about to list and apply them to every minute of your life:

1. Get a haircut. The more expensive, the better.

This deceptively simple piece of advice will change everything about you with a few snips of the scissors. See, hair grows out of the human head (along with the legs, armpits, and back if you’re especially lucky). However, there is an equilibrium of the correct amount of hair to have. If you have too much hair, people will assume that you are either a socialist or, even worse, a woman. Neither are very good at businessing, so pop on down to your nearest cranial landscaper and get your hair trimmed up. The amount of money you spend on this haircut is directly proportional to how businessy you business, so don’t be afraid to go a little crazy. If you don’t have enough hair, people will assume you are a cancer patient or a drug dealer. While drug dealers are definitely good at businessing, it is preferable that they have the correct amount of hair as nobody likes to be reminded of cancer. If a dearth of hair is your problem, see if someone could lend you a little hair to staple to your head, or maybe give the family dog a haircut because he’s a dog and has no sense of businessing so all that glorious hair is going to waste anyways.

2. Make up new words.

This tip is a little trickier to grasp, as it requires some creativity. I know, we can’t all be fonts of inspired genius like yours truly, but if you put your mind to it, I’m sure you can come up with something not-stupid. The dirty secret when it comes to making up words to business with is borrowing words from other lesser contexts and repurposing them to your own ends. Bandwidth and radio silence are great examples of words that used to be used in some other garbage context before they got put to work businessing. There’s a wealth of cooking words that can probably be used to business, like sauteeing (for when a project needs time to soak up those juicy business flavors) or julienning (when you shred important documents while the FBI is attempting to break down the door to your office). It’s important to make up words because it makes other people see you as a trendsetter and a visionary. You’ll say these made-up terms with authority and they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about and will feel stupid and too intimidated to challenge you- another interaction successfully businessed.

3. Abandon all empathy.

This is the hardest tip and really should only be attempted by people who are truly serious about businessing. In order to succeed in the doggy dog world that is global business, you need to shed everything about you that separates you from wild animals. Business is bloody. If you’re to succeed at businessing, you need to forget that other people have emotions and existences of their own and treat them like expendable NPCs in the totally bitchin’ video game that is your life. Don’t be afraid to step on the throats and spines of anyone who gets in the way of building your empire, especially your family. Don’t worry about petty things like morals and ethics, they’re actually just synonyms for “poor” and “stupid”. And don’t get me started on charity. What did kids with cancer ever do for you except remind you of the inevitability of death? Hoard all of your money in tax havens, since you never really used any of the stuff that taxes are spent on anyways, like that time you accidentally microwaved a fork and put the fire out all by yourself. Who needs some stupid commie fire department when you’ve got a damp washcloth?