The Annoyances of a Bisexual
This is how my eastern European, conservative mom would greet me ever since I went away to university. I think this is the most annoying question I’ve been asked in a very long time. Don’t get me — or her — wrong, I know she has the best intentions. She just wants me to be happy, and I understand she might be worrying over this subject since I haven’t had a girlfriend in just over two years now.
But the thing my mom does not know is that I don’t need — or want — one; for the last six months I have been dating the most amazing man I have met yet. And no, I am not a closeted, 20-something gay guy. Well, I am, only that I am bisexual.
I think I should have realized that I am bi a lot earlier, since I vividly remember having crushes on both girls and boys as early as kindergarten, when I was probably four or five years old. And these feelings have perpetuated for years through middle school and high school, half of them suppressed, half of them encouraged by others, and me feeling I am guilty, or abnormal for the fact that I also was attracted to other boys. But somehow I never thought much about it, I had the school work and sports to keep my mind occupied, and I thought that when I would go to university, in a different city from the one I had lived for the first 19 years of my life, I would find a girlfriend, as the custom is for a 20 year-old-ish guy.
I am bisexual
But when I got to university, no heterosexual relationship appeared at the horizon of my love life, as the plan stated. It was frustrating, for I knew my qualities well — at the risk of sounding cocky, I will tell you I am quite smart, fairly good looking and have an interesting sense of humor. All the same, relationshipless for a very long time. Retrospectively, I think my one major problem was my lack of confidence — confidence in who I was as a sexual being. All those feelings that I denied myself only acted as an obstacle, and only stopped doing so when I finally realized you are allowed to be attracted to anyone you feel like. And that you should be the last one to have a problem with that.
But what does bisexuality actually mean?
Bisexuality might be defined as the sexual attraction of an individual towards both males and females. But, as some of you might think, LGBT people tend to overcomplicate a lot of things, so a better definition might be the sexual attraction towards individuals of the same gender as yours, and individuals of one gender that is different from your own. Or something among those lines…
For me, the cis-man that lives in an eastern European community (where most gays and lesbians are closeted and where I do not know one single non-binary or trans person), I can say that I am attracted to men and women, sexually, as well as romantically.
And while the realization of my sexuality required a series of trial and error experiments, of which I am not particularly proud, I want to say that I do not consider myself to be in any way promiscuous, greedy or any other epithet bisexuals might be attributed (or at least not any more so than the average straight person).
So you are half gay and half straight?
No, I am not half anything. I am bisexual, i.e. I like BOTH women AND men.
Then which one do you like more, men or women?
This might be the second most annoying question I ever get asked. That is probably because I do not see attraction (at least for me) as a constant, set in stone. I find it to be a bit fluctuating, but not to the point of saying today I am gay, in six months I might be straight. It’s something much more subtle. I never cease to be attracted to women, if I’m dating a guy, and vice-versa.
At the moment of writing this article, I can say I am more attracted to men, and to be more specific, one man in particular, because he makes me feel wonderful, and valid, and loved. When I dated a girl, I was naturally more attracted to her than to any other person in my life. It is quite hard to describe, but I do not want you to think that it is like a cycle, either. For me, it is not man after woman after man; no, it goes human after human after human. Some of them stay longer in my life, some not so much. I think the point is that the genitals of the person that I happen to date at some point in my life are not as important as their personality, their interests, their values, and so on.
Man you must have a great sex life, you have so many choices
Actually, I wish I had so many choices!
I’m not gonna lie, if we refer to sex, it is true, bisexuals seem to have a larger pool of people to choose from. But when we talk relationships, man, is it a whole other story.
Personally, on one of the first few dates of something that I consider might become serious, I like to confess my sexuality — this might be a poor choice of words, it’s not like I’ve done anything wrong. I do this from the beginning, because I like honesty, and if we end up spending quite some time together and this subject comes up in the conversation, I would probably feel like I’d been lying.
The most frequent problem I seem to come upon is that I am not taken seriously. Straight women tend to freak out, or be suspicious, and think I might be gay, and I just don’t want to admit it to myself. Gay guys who might actually like something serious also freak out, thinking I will certainly leave them for the first woman that can give me a seemingly “normal” life — or in one instance I was dumped because he didn’t want to steal my chance at having a good life; that was fucked up in my opinion. The ones that might be okay with my confession would be other bisexuals, but man, are they so hard to find…
So no, I don’t have so many choices. I do not know what I did right to meet my boyfriend, who is an amazing person. He has told me he is a bit afraid that I might dump him for a woman, but I don’t think he knows how crazy I actually am about him.
Why I choose not to come out to your family?
I want to, but I think it might be very difficult for them to understand. My parents have lived their whole lives in a very conservative society, where no one talks about sexual orientation or gender identity. Their society only considers “normal” heterosexual cis-men and cis-women, and I know it is very difficult, if not impossible to make them change their beliefs.
Maybe in time, if they become more receptive to new ideas, now considered taboo, I will come out to them.
But until then, the answer remains “No, mom, I’ve been sooo busy with school, I had no time to find a girl to go out with.”
