Thoughts on Tech Workers and Therapy
Ideas for this article have been bouncing around in my head for a few years now, and the recent news coverage of founder suicides as well as Mike Monteiro’s recent disclosure about his depression and recovery, This is about the time I chose not to die, helped me focus in on what I need to say. As a therapist who used to work in technology, I write in the hope that my words will reach people who need it, providing a lifeline to those who have been told they shouldn’t need/want/access care.
There have been countless articles about how the tech industry and its “brogrammer” culture, push to always be “the newest,” “the fastest,” “the most innovative,” and the “best return for investors” and belief that ones value as a human being can be measured not in relationships but in hours at the keyboard is pushing folks to their limit. From the Atlantic: Tech Has a Depression Problem, from Huffington Post: Burnout: Time to Abandon a Very Costly Collective Delusion, from Business Insider: There’s a dark side to startups, and it haunts 30% of the world’s most brilliant people, from Tech Crunch: Founders On Depression. Google will help you find countless similar articles. There is a slowly simmering conversation about how it doesn’t have to be like that… shouldn’t be like that… but what I see both in my private practice and in the hospital where I work is that many still think these conversations don’t apply to them. They’re not “that bad.” They “can push through.” They’d “never do that.” It’s a common belief — one I used to share — and some people keep thinking it until it is too late.
I worked in tech for nearly 20 years. I arrived in that career via an undergraduate degree in Cognitive Science, working in roles including technical support, product management, technical sales, database administration, and project management. I worked for large organizations, small organizations, start-ups and well established companies. Sometimes I was one of the few women on the tech side of the business, sometimes the balance was less skewed. I wore many hats, some more comfortably than others, and by all reports did so quite well. I “get” that community, that type of work and its demands, expectations, and rewards.
Along the way I struggled with depression, some job related, some life related, some just because. I refused help for a long time, until I really had no choice, and I suffered for much longer than I should have. At first help looked like admitting to close family and friends that I was struggling. I saw a therapist for a while, and almost fired her for suggesting I had a diagnosable disorder. After my first child was born I had a nasty case of Postpartum Depression, which wasn’t really talked about then, and it almost took everything from me. With the help of a skilled therapist I got better.
Since then, I’ve changed careers. I’m a therapist, working to help people who might not know they need help, or don’t know there’s help available for what they’re struggling with. I take a practical, collaborative, non-judgemental approach. I ascribe to the approach suggested by Mary Pipher, who, in her book Letters to a Young Therapist: Stories of Hope and Healing (Basic Books, 2005) describes the job of the therapist as being less about listening to problems and more about listening for solutions. Therapy is a journey, and I work as a guide, helping people identify where they want to go, and jointly developing a plan of how to get there, providing my expertise and suggestions while honoring their role as “subject matter experts.”
I’d like to make a pitch for reaching out early — sooner than you think you really need it. I’m advocating that you should take an hour out of your week to meet with someone, to talk about what really matters to you. An hour to look at your concerns, your disquieting thoughts, your unresolved barriers — your SELF. And if that sounds too overwhelming, it’s also an hour to learn something new. Brief solution based therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy — they’re all about learning new skills to apply in your life. It’s really not that big a leap from learning the newest framework, scouring through github for something new and useful, going to a meetup, attending a conference or streaming TED talks. You spend countless hours of your life working on things that “create value.” Don’t forget to create value for yourself.
Contact your insurance company for a list of providers. Look on Psychology Today, ask your primary care doctor, ask trusted friends and family. Find a professional to talk to, to work with — someone who can be a partner in identifying your struggles, and developing solutions that work for you. Give yourself this gift. Even if you’re not sure you need it.
