Walden Nelson Signs 10,000-Year Contract

The Chicago Wildfire announced today that defensive handler Walden Nelson has signed a record-breaking 10,000-year contract for an undisclosed sum.

Known for his unwillingness to speak and his love of the color red, Nelson was 5th on the Wildfire with 17 goals and 6 assists in the 2014 season. The Wildfire’s front office had no comment when asked for the final amount agreed upon. During last year’s negotiations, there was a series of changes to the contract’s compensation package.

Some of the delay in signing revolved around an initial opt-out clause in 4015, but Nelson’s agent made it clear it was “all or nothing” a source close to the negotiations confirmed.

“It seemed like the whole thing was a roller-coaster. It was very emotional,” Nelson said on a conference call. “All along, I knew I wanted to play professional Ultimate in Chicago, at least for the next 10,000 years or so.”

Nelson went on to say he was pleased to hear he wouldn’t become ronin with changes to the Wildfire’s leadership. “I was ready to commit seppuku to retain my honor, but I’m kinda glad I don’t have to right now.”

Critics of the final contract point out that the total cost of Nelson’s jerseys alone will be upwards of $1,000,000 and that allowing him to commit ritual suicide during halftime of the first home game would significantly boost attendance.