Hey kid. You here. hows it going? You ask that girl you like out yet? You think you’re all high and mighty cause you’re a teenager now, you pretty much an adult right?

I know all the answers to these, kinda pointless asking really. Now I’m not going to answer all your questions about the future, like if you finally get to kiss a girl, or if you finally become one of the cool kids in the end. Cause do I look like a fucking crystal ball to you? But I can tell you this, Germany beat Argentina 1–0 in the 2014 Fifa world cup, with Germany scoring a goal during overtime. Also… that girl never liked you, stop being a bitch about it.

But look, I could sit here and tell you all the things you should be doing with yourself right now, like do your homework and watch less porn. But I’ll leave that job for your parents and teachers, I’m sure you get enough of those lectures anyway. But fuck it, you know what? I’m still going to lecture you. Cause if I was actually writing a letter to lil’ 13-year-old me, this is the sort of shit I’d be saying, and you’ll listen, cause I know more than you kid, no matter how smart you think you are or how figured out you think you have life. I. Fucking. Own. You.

Kid, you know what the first thing I want you do right now? like right now. I want you to try something and fuck up. I want you to fuck up in every little way you can imagine. I want you to get rejected by that girl you like. I want you to fail that test. I want you to take up singing and dancing even though everyone will think you are a little faggot. I want you to experience pain, sadness, and anger. Now you may think I’m some old sadistic motherfucker, oh and trust me, I am. But just like an abusive dad would say — “I’m doing this for your own good son”.

Now don’t get too excited. Cause before you start railing lines of meth off some sluts tits, I have more to say. Cause now that you are some fucked up youth delinquent, you know what you have to do now? Scrape you’re shit stain of a self off the ground and try to rebuild again. Cause now you know what it’s like to suck at life, trust me, you’ll never wanna go back to it again. Do you really think that rich kid you envy is going to get anywhere in his life? Probably. But he won’t do it himself, he’ll leech off his rich and successful self-made parents. You see, you want to be that kids parents. you want to be the type of chump who’s gone from riches to rags, like John Key, made his way from living in a state house to being the prime fucking minister. Ain’t that the dream? Isn’t that what you want in life? of course you do, don’t be stupid.

I could tell you all you want to work hard, get good grades, don’t fall for that hot but crazy bitch. But you won’t listen. You have to WANT it, and honestly this is the only way around it.

So get out there kid, live. live life to the absolute max, have a fucking ball. Don’t give a single shit about what could happen. Live in the now and the future will follow. Cause would you honestly rather be found dead by your landlord, with your body serving as a glorified buffet for you cats? or would you rather have a heart attack railing coke off an orgy of strippers at the age of 90. Your 13, of course you know what the answer is.