Stupid shit keeps me up at night.
Sometimes I think I need to visit a therapist because I honestly think about things to a degree that is a little alarming to me, but at the same time, it has always felt normal, and almost calming to be this way.
I overthink everything.
Sometimes it’s good. It means I’ve been thorough. I’ve thought of every single possible thing that can possibly happen, and I’m constantly prepared, so I never feel caught off-guard. Occasionally, I do get caught off-guard, and those are the moments in which staying up all night happens.
I find myself replaying the scenes in my head over, and over, and over until it’s daylight, my alarm is ringing, and it’s time to move on to the next day.
I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person this happens to. I’ll tell you how it goes for me.
First, something happens that I didn’t expect. Let’s say I worked on a project. It took weeks, a little sleeplessness for its own sake, and I conquered some unique challenges. I was finally in the clear, things were perfect. Then in a stroke of bad luck — the hard drive for that project just dies. The project is gone. That’s it. But I over-think, a lot, and I knew it would happen, so I save a back up locally, and that, for some reason, is corrupted. So I look for a cloud back-up, but that too is ruined.
Most people leave that alone, right? They come back to it the next day and give themselves some time away from it, but for me, things like that make my chest feel heavy. Like a carousel, my mind spins around and around trying to figure out what I could have ever done differently — it doesn’t matter if it wasn’t my fault. It doesn’t matter if technology failed. It was my project. I was ultimately responsible for it. I take ownership whether it goes well, or it doesn’t.
On one hand it seems sickening, but on the other hand, it’s a sad reality of wanting to always present your best work. In a world where you might be good at what you do, there are a million people just like you. There are people with the same talents, the same wisdom, and the same thinking. Sometimes you run mis-steps through your head because you want to be better for next time. You don’t want to be replaced by someone sharper, or smarter. You want the chance to keep showing what you got, and learning. Not a single person has ever been perfect in their lives. I’m sure if we were, life wouldn’t be as colorful.
I did figure out something that I can take solace in — something that does help me sleep. I’m coming to this realization more and more, that no one actually cares as much as you do. They probably aren’t thinking about it nearly as much as you are. To stop stupid shit from keeping you up at night, just remember that you’re always doing the best you can. Even if you did it wrong, even if no one liked it, even if you didn’t like it. You tried your best, you’ve learned from it, and here you are.
Hopefully you’re getting some sleep.
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