The Minimalist Meets The Lunching Lady

#WhenTwoSchoolsOfInstagramMeet

They meet for coffee. The coffee shop is chosen specifically for its selection of cups not its selection of coffee.

Lunching Lady (LL) wears a peach chiffon designer dress and artful ‘natural’ makeup. She tosses back her salon-waved hair and heads towards her table where the Minimalist is already seated. He has dressed carefully to create the impression that he couldn’t be bothered to dress carefully.

They’re an odd couple and draw everyone’s attention. Though this is mostly because they’re shooting their coffee cups from multiple angles.

Hers is a ‘selfie’.

His is a careful top shot that catches a shaft of golden evening sunlight.

Minimalist (M) reaches out to finally sip his coffee. It’s cold now, but he isn’t upset, he wanted a good photo and after much deliberation, he now has one. LL does the same. They smile at each other barely hiding their contempt.

M: I’m sure that was a selfie.

LL: You know me too well. How many likes on yours though?

M: It’s only been 30 seconds.

LL: Well, I have 30 likes already.

M: Usually happens when you use way too many hashtags.

LL: Oh, you don’t use hashtags?

M: Nope.

LL (laughs): Such a minimal answer. But why don’t you?

M (allowing himself a minimal lifting of lip, that could be construed as a smile):Hashtags are the kind of presumptuous social media grouping that I avoid. My photos don’t need to be defined they need to be interpreted.

LL: Whoa. You were better when you were minimal.

M: Maybe it went way over your pretty little head.

LL: Oh…. thanks.

M: That wasn’t a compliment. I hate everything you stand for.

LL: Well, if we are being honest. I think you are bitter because you have no friends.

M: My friends don’t make it to my Instagram because we are actually talking not taking fake-happy photos to show-off.

LL: Who’s your bestie then?

M (cringes): I don’t use such…I’m sorry but bestie isn’t a term I would ever use.

LL: Probably because you’ve never had one.

They’re momentarily distracted by their food orders arriving at the table. M has gotten himself a gluten-free Ethiopian fair trade pastry and LL a red velvet cupcake.

M: Red velvet cupcake? Isn’t that the hugest cliché in the Lunching Lady world?

LL: You’re right, Instagram has moved on to macaroons this season. But this place doesn’t have any. By the way, your cake looks awful.

M (biting into his cake as one would bite into a natural rock formation): I’m trying to support fair trade. This is a small sacrifice.

They both pause to take more photos. M places a book next to his pastry. LL tries to catch a bit of sun as she introduces her cupcake into her selfie.

LL: You call me fake, but you aren’t even really reading that book.

M: This isn’t supposed to be taken literally. The thing is, not everyone understands art. Art is meant to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

LL (ignoring the deep statement completely): You are on Instagram for art?

M: One look at my newsfeed and you’d know my purpose is to inject art into the superficial medium of Instagram.

LL: Taking photos of plastic buckets in bathrooms isn’t art.

M (angrily): Maybe if I put a plastic bucket on your head it will be.

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And thus the meeting ends on a sour note.

However, they do take a selfie before they leave. Lunching Lady smiles joyously and the Minimalist pretends to be candid.