To Research, or to Write? I’m Dizzy.

Photo by Alejandro Alvarez on Unsplash

Before you read this I hope you know what you’re getting into. The brain of a messy creative is a fun space but sometimes it bucks against the system that’s supposed to help us.

Sometimes it bucks against the “right” way. We really do our best, but sometimes we hands on learners just have to chuck the book out the door and to start writing our own.

We are glad for Jeff Goins because he pulled us up out of a crevice in the Earth that swallowed us whole, and we are glad for all the podcasts but now —

…we must exit off the ramp, click all the X’s, and run from research so we can do.this.thang.

Poetic Vent In Motion

I am so worn from looking around trying to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. Can I please kill the ducks?

I am so worn from trying to learn 1,0000000000000 things before I actually sit down to write. Can I just do it crappy and eat lunch?

I am so worn from notifications and now there’s push ones. Oh.My.

I just want to write like I am right now. I don’t want to have a trillion other things going on that make my head want to shoot north to join Mars.

I get it we are supposed to be connected. The modern world is online and so are our readers. But can I just stop craning my neck to hear what another guru has to say?

Can I just stop choking on another daily this or daily that? I can’t even do what I want to do daily, so why am I trying to do yours? Ack.

THIS. This is why I haven’t written how I really feel, except in my journal. Because I am scared you will see how I really feel and leave me standing at the door you just knocked at.

Like, “Wait! Where are you going? You got here!”

But too late. You’re already gone. Because you like fluffy nice pillows and words that match and my head can’t contain all the real ones anymore so they have to come out whether you end up liking me or not.

And that sentence right there? I wouldn’t normally have written that if I were still glued to fear telling me the reader would be confused before they got to the period.

But I had faith in you.

I figured if you stuck around this long, you understood all the feels and pricks. And this is the deal: I just want to write without all the extra I need to earn a PhD in, and when I do I have to switch it anyways because all the algorthims change.

It reminds me of how one year say, “Lay a baby on their back this year. Nope. Wrong. Now lay them on their belly. Use this too feed them now. STOP. That will kill them. Try this…”

You feeling me? This writing life. It wasn’t hard until I started trying to do it right. And I am glad I want to do it right, but this has been stopping me from writing in a way that made me love the process to begin with.

When I stop loving something I have loved all my life, I have to stop and ask myself what happened?

So I am making some changes.

I will remain humble. I will always be a learner. I will not be a brat. I will not say, “Fine then, I’m done with this!”

But I just may write a thousand times more instead of researching and getting lost in all the everything else’s. I may just do the extra “needed” stuff a thousand times less.

Because I’ve been backwards for far too long and it feels good to put my head back on. Write I will, and if I have time — I will pursue the rest.

Gone are the days of bare-minimum writing to get the business of things down pat, because they’re drowning me and I can’t breathe.

Now? Free.

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