Brain Dumps 20150818

You know how people say that day to day there seems to be nothing happened, but when you look back, many things have changed. The last few days seem to be quiet and uneventful, except for that they are not.

So Hoang quit. After months of depression, so I have heard. One of the 4 pillars, I like to think about us this way, finally left. What is to be left of us? Well, I guess we can always survive wih 3 pillars or else, we can always build more pillars. And I can’t help feeling sad. He stole my thunder for God’s sake.

Feeling emotional and disheartened from everything, I called my mom in a moment of weakness. As usual, she managed to upset me even further. As a outburst of emotion, I told her how she has always managed to make me even more frustrated whenever I tried to seek from her a shoulder to lean on. “I came here to have fun and I literally feel so attacked right now.” Because sadness, boredom and depression are not something that you can stop feeling when someone tells you to stop. Everytime I felt upset I couldn’t help wanting to call her. And everytime, she managed to tire me out and add more to my emotional issues. I just can’t deal with the whole thing, ok? I want to be strong and resilient too but from time to time, I need to unload my burden, mother. Have you ever tried to hear me out? It’s not because I am not trying or finding an excuse to stop trying. It’s because I am trying so hard here that is why I feel extremely emotional and heavy sometimes. I am too invested in the whole thing. My generation is capable of feeling more complicated emotions.

I need a tall table like this at home!!! So I can work on my computer standing up which would help alleviate my spine problem.

A big conglomerate has just churned out its ecommerce business and it is painful to see that many people will soon be put out of business. Well, not to be so negative. It is good for the ecommerce scene here. Yeah, but yeah, if you dont have a lot of money, dont do start up here.

I can’t help feeling a little, well, a lot defeated. Someone has already achieved so much at that young age. Meanwhile, I am still stuck with trivial day-to-day struggles. I feel so small compared to them.

And I think that well if you can never achieve that level of greatness doing what you are doing, you may as well go and do the stuff that you like/love/want to. At least you would get happiness/contentment out of the whole act.

And I have been thinking alot about doing the stuff I love recently. Like writing. I have always loved language and the master usage of its element. The main reason why I love Thoughcatalog is the way people can use words to express exactly what they mean or feel. The ability to articulate. Even though I am not the type to share my thinking, I am a pretty private person who masks myself as easy going, I think writing to express myself and share my learning is crucial to my personal development. At this point, an audience is not as important as just getting the thoughts out and down somewhere. Many things happen around me on a daily basis, my job, my company, my staff, my boss, my study, my personal development and my character building. Writing about these would help me to understand myself and understand the world better.

And sketching. Just now I saw the works of Masato Wantanable and they remind me of the reason why I fall in love with the art in the first place. The ability to depict and record the moment in vivid colors and strokes.

Realized that all the things I love have to do with accurately capture the moments. Does this mean that I am a perpeptual nostagic person? Who forever live in the beauty of the past? Forever long for the bygone? Or maybe deep down, I am just a true life lover? Love life so much I want it to be tangible so I can hold on to it with my hands, feeling it slip through my fingers?