He took it

I don’t understand why men put so much emphasis on sex.

Do I want it?

Yes

When?

When I’m ready !

But he took me.

I’ve dealt with a lot of shit with guys some cases I should call authorities but it’s just easier to never talk to them again and act like it didn’t happen.

I don’t like drama or negative attention.

But he took me.

Here’s where I fucked up.

I went to his house.

We were chillin,

In his room tho.

We should’ve stayed in the living room

He turned off the lights,

It was late.

I’m not too touchy feely so it was just like eh, movie time.

We slightly cuddled but it just was like whatever.

I went to the bathroom.

Then he snuggled up under me and that’s when it all went bad.

He was touching and kissing and we started kissing then he proceeds to go down on me.

One time we had a conversation about the fact that I’ve never had good head.

Shouldn’t have done that.

But anyway he pulls my pants to my ankles and gives me the best head I’ve ever received.

Once he’s finished he comes up to look at me and I kinda smiled but was just like “I have to go.”

The only way he could get up is to go back down and under because my pants were still on my ankles.

He said “I just wanted to give you a little tease”

Mind you I’m a little out of it because…. well yeah

But I was just like “Its getting late, I have to go,“ I had to do a couple errands and get ready for work.

I kinda patted him on the arm and was like “okaaaayyy get up, I gotta go”

He said something slick

And before I could register what he said, he shoved his penis in me and started to penetrate me.

Hard and fast. 
It didn’t hurt me but it was the worst feeling in the world.

I didn’t know he wasn’t wearing any pants.

I pushed him away in efforts to make him stop.

I couldn’t fix my mouth to say much.

I was shocked.

His brother was there. 
I needed to get off base, to my car and he was the only way.

I didn’t want him to hurt me.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

I told him before that I didn’t want to have sex right away,

That it’s earned. I have to really know you and trust you first.

But he took that option away from me.

He swore he was the same way about sex but showed me he was opposite of everything he portrayed himself to be.

I can’t help but blame myself.

I should’ve never went there.

I should’ve never got caught up in kissing.

I guess if you let someone do something for you, they expect something in return whether you’re willing or not.

He took me

He stopped,

Got off me.

I pulled up my pants,

Grabbed my stuff walked quietly to the door.

He took me to my car,

I went home. 
We haven’t talked since then.

______________________________________________________________

I’ve tried to be so nonchalant about how I feel but the thought of it makes me nauseous and want to cry.

I felt dirty.

He did it so swiftly like he’d done it before.

A part of me wanted to make myself believe that I was okay with everything that happened that night. 
But there’s no weaker feeling than having something as personal as sex taken from you.

I don’t want to call it rape because I allowed the first part to happen and I when I told him to stop he did.

But he took me.

Its crazy how the topic of sex comes up and why women make people wait, and everyone always says “Well you’re grown”.

Grown enough to know that I don’t want to have sex right away.

Grown enough to be respected.

Grown enough to at least be asked for my consent rather than shoving yourself in me.

I felt dirty. 
I can’t trust men.

They kind of make me nervous.

He really took me .

And it’s all my fault