If only I knew..
Time for the regrets but at least it’s not as depression.
I’ve had countless flashbacks of the time we spent together. The beginning of our relationship, the times at the park, at seaport, the first sleepover at your place… I try my best to not be bitter about it, but each time I uncover a lie you told me, the hatred rebuilds.
I guess I’m just bipolar. Sometimes I really want to cut you off from my life, defriend you from everything. Other times, I want to accept the idea that we could be friends, and that you did not intend for any of this harm. For the times that I’m not bitter about this, I think about certain moments that I could’ve done differently.
If I knew that was the last birthday we would spend together, I would have tried to be happier. I wouldn’t have tried to be so sad that you were gone and be so obvious about the fact that things were going badly. It may also be the last time I celebrate my birthday with people because before you came along, I didn’t celebrate my birthday. Thank you for the past three birthdays that you helped me celebrate. I didn’t get a physical gift from you for this last one but I guess I’ll take you coming back as my present…
If I knew that the night before you went away was the last time we had alone with each other, I would’ve wanted to spend it differently. Even though it was a snowstorm outside, it’s sad to think of that as the day we got to spend together as a couple (besides my birthday but that was with friends). Idk what I would’ve done differently but I didn’t want it to be like that.
I also watched you leave and go into the terminal til the last moment and I cried a bit as you left. I wanted to cry out to you but you never looked back at me. Guess you were just too excited to start your new life away.
If I knew what you meant when you asked me about taking vacations or trips, I would’ve responded differently. It’s not that I think trips and vacations are a waste of money, I just never had the luxury to experience them. I never had to opportunity to go on vacation like others, same goes for other experiences that your average teenager may have had. If you simply told me that you wanted to go on one, I would’ve definitely have gone with you. Now, I have plans to take trips to places like Boston, Philly, Canada, Japan, Taiwan, China, and maybe more. I just hope I can actually go.
If I knew that our relationship was going to end in such a mess, I might’ve splurged a bit more on you. Not that I’m saying that I didn’t, I did buy you a 3DS, a DSLR camera, pay for most of the food, hotel expenses, and even your tuition… But maybe I might have bought you a gift every now and then to remind you how much I still loved you, I just thought that you wouldn’t need that reassurance. It’s not that I don’t like to spend my money, I just don’t know what to spend it on so I save up. I save up because I want to be financially stable when we have a future, so that we could’ve had enough money to get our place together. But that was nothing but a dream I guess. Now I spend my money a bit more now because I don’t know what I’m saving it up for either, besides Grad school. But the money can’t buy me back the happiness that I’ve lost.
If I knew that we would end up breaking up, I might’ve not encouraged you to go away. I knew you were depressed being in the city and in this school that you were unable to meet new friends in. I was sad too watching you being depressed. So I encouraged you to go away, like you’ve always wanted to. I thought my support for you would strengthen our love.. but now, I often think that I was the one who ended up shipping you away. If not for my encouragement and paying the tuition, you might’ve not gone and still be here with me. I guess I’m just not that saintly of a person, that I may have rather you be depressed and be together with me than us breaking up and me suffering. Maybe I’m just a bad person. Maybe you should’ve just gone away when you graduated instead of transferring, I might’ve been able to accept it easier back then. But I was really happy at that time to know that you were going to be in the same college as me… if only I knew that you weren’t going to be happy.