Journal Entries from 7/31/2015 to 8/5/2015
With an apology for the past few days of silence, I will begin by saying that this entry will be broken into four parts to fill in the gaps from Friday until today. A lot has happened and there is a lot for me to say and confess to. For this I will be directly quoting from the hand written journal I keep. Names will be omitted, along with possible passages should I deem them too personal to share, but in general these were the exact thoughts I had.
So without further ado, let’s begin with last Friday.
I — Friday, July 31, 2015: “(10:45AM) I feel as though I am an empty vessel today and I need to hold in who I truly am. The Queen wants out but I held her back and now I want to run and release her. No one would like her. // (11:00AM) I can feel her clawing right now. She wants to get out and rip everyone apart. // (11:00AM) I’ll leave early today because I can’t handle this right now. // (12:00AM) I can’t do this right now. I can’t breathe at all and I feel like I am going to throw up. All this forced positivity is driving me crazy. I need tonight to be here now and I need _____ as soon as possible. They can bring me back down. xxxxx would fix me the best but I can’t dwell on that. They aren’t here. I need them to distract me and be with me. I honestly don’t know if I can keep going without them.
II — Monday, August 3, 2015: “(10:30AM) I want to see humanity when civilization falls. // (1:45PM)No one ever talks about the West Coast after the world ends and that has always confused me. What makes us so fixated on the East? What about Europe? I think that confuses me even more. What are they doing? Do all people react the same?”
III — Tuesday, August 4, 2015: “(10:50AM) My mom was right — I need to fight my need for instant gratification. I am going to take two classes this fall instead of doing all five at once. I will pace myself. // (12:30PM) I have the irrational fear that xxxx will come to hate me and it is taking all of my self-control to not push them away. But I feel like they’ll leave me or grow tired of me. Like my problems will put too much strain on them. Not to mention I’ve already manipulated them in many ways to alienate them from others. I’m a negative influence in their life and they should not have to deal with me intentionally making their life worse. But could I even survive without them? They’ve become a fixation, but also they’re the only one who brings me joy. I honestly don’t know. Right now all I know is I want to shut down and not feel any of this. I’m so overwhelmed and I hate my true self, which is likely why I hide Melanie behind every façade possible. Melanie is scared of being alone and would rather die than deal with isolation. // (2:30PM) I feel the insatiable need to destroy — -. I want to see them bleed out. I want them dead. Swine whore.”
IV — Wednesday, August 05, 2015: “(10:50AM) My general focus is off today. It feels like things are too 3D. They look too real. // I feel like cane sugar and my hands are liquid sugar. My head is a gum drop, fingers liquorish, gusher heart that’s tropical blue, neck honey sticks in cherry, and toes that are candy dots that you have to peel from paper. // (11:05AM) oooo is a universe and I need to exist in that. // (1:00PM — a poem composed in my car) I can see the skeleton / tear out his own neck / with gore in hand he feeds / it all to her gaping maw / teeth ripping into sanctuary / sweet honey suckle and raw she craves / his being and organs twisting / around her windpipe to choke / and breathe only cruel hunger. // (1:50PM) My mom came home to find me singing on the counter. My eyes were still too wide and it felt like they were going to explode. She told me my pupils were dilated still. I had visited her at her office earlier on an impulse. I don’t really remember leaking the hospital to see her, I just remember smiling too big when I saw her. She thinks I should talk to the doctor about the new medication that I’m on.”