A (Food) Baby Story

Melanie Carlson
Jul 28, 2017 · 4 min read

I pushed my baby out in 10 minutes a month ago. I’m not bragging, as these stats had consequences. We labored together for many hours prior to going to the hospital and by 2:30am I was in active labor, but I was so tired! The nurses said if I got an epidural then I could sleep and that seemed important for me to have the stamina to push later.

The epidural unexpectedly had morphine in it and I discovered that opioids can cause severe itchiness. Yet, I was able to scratch out just enough sleep to feel alert enough to wake up at 7:30am. The medical team just had me squat and sway for 4 hours before they could see my daughter’s head and said that it was time to push.

Prior to starting to push, the nurse tried to assuage any shame I might feel if I pooped while pushing. I assured her that it had been a cumbersome pregnancy and I would do everything I could to get the baby out, including pooping in front of a crowd.

The doctor announced, “let the pushing commence!” It was after the second contraction I heard the doctor say, “she’s going to tear”. I was wholly unconcerned, as I could only feel pressure. Then on the third contraction and sixth push out popped my little baby. It was such a cool feeling, after a long disabling pregnancy! My husband and I were in pure bliss. I didn’t even know if I pooped, but with a perineal tear it would be weeks before I felt so carefree about pooping, especially without medical professionals around.

My doctor’s office had provided me a book to outline some ways to prepare for most aspects of pregnancy and after care. YET, I wasn’t prepared for the wound care involved with a perineal tear. I’m sharing my experience because it was terrifying.

At the hospital, they have those pain charts where you rank your pain 1 to 10. I think that assessing pain should be prefaced by asking if someone has ever been in active labor. After experiencing active labor, I realized I had never even felt pain before in my life. So, I told the nurses my pain level after delivery was a 3 and I only wanted ibuprofen. I was ready to leave the hospital ASAP because they don’t let you have salt packets for flavoring their bland food.

Three days later I wish I had some benzos to help me deal with the fear I felt for my first post-delivery poop with a perineal tear that went, as they say, “hole to hole”. There have been many jokes from late night comedians about pharmaceutical commercials for opioid induced constipation, but those jokes are literally hard on someone experiencing that condition and I had a perineal tear to boot!

Too proud to call the nurses line at my doctor’s office I took these fecal matters into my own hands. Please be warned don’t try this at home. I’m not a medical professional. The only license I have is for driving. So, after a few early morning hours of just hoping I could poop without my stitches ripping and all of my innards entering the water treatment system, I went and got an enema from the store.

Assuming the position on my Squatty Potty, I waited. In a little time, I started feeling the pressure build. I was so relieved when I passed a poo about the size of my baby. The yin to my yang! I felt great! Immediately, I jumped in the shower to clean up. Yet, the urge to poop came again so I jumped out of the shower and sat on the toilet. Oh no! I flushed and the water started rising and “OMG it is going to overflow!”. I had just enough time to turn off the toilet’s water before I had to poop again, but the other bathroom is too far! I jumped into the running shower and had to finish on the shower floor. Just know this created a lot of splatter.

Later after everyone else woke up for the day we were all hanging out in the living room basking in the glory of our new family member. All the sudden I go “Oh nooooo, ewwwww!” My mom inquires “Did she poop?” “No, I did” I responded. The golden advice I did receive prior to birth was to wear adult diapers for a few weeks after birth. I recommend Always’ discreet underwear. Then I took my third shower of the day. I’m not trying to scare anyone out of parenting because everything will feel pretty regular after a while. But if my daughter ever asks me if she is funny I will tell her: “yeah, butt you gotta work on your delivery.”

Melanie Carlson

Written by

I am a retired domestic violence shelter based social worker. PhD student #domesticviolence #poverty #welfarepolicy / (she/her) / www.shelteringlife.com

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