I wish you …well …
I think we all get to a point where we feel like we’re ready to move on when a relationship ends. I don’t know how well I am at that point but I felt like I approached that point yesterday or even the day before when I felt the anger drain from me and acceptance settled in to the realization that I was ready to let my ex go. It took me a month of indescribable pain, depression, sadness, anger and fear. But I made it to the point I am now — letting go.
I had a conversation yesterday where I acknowledged that he tried to show me the person he really was when we first met and even during the relationship but invested as I was, I didn’t pay attention. I also really wanted him to be someone he isn’t and is never going to be. He tried for a while but he was lying to himself and to me. And the person he really is is not someone I could ever be with. So where that leaves us now is letting go of him trying to be something he isn’t and me letting go of a version of him that never existed.
The most challenging part for me right now is watching him revert back to the ‘real’ him. A person who I am not in the least bit attracted to or want to know. This is the real him. The version of him that I loved was a mirage — an act he put on so that I would stay with him and be happy with him. But that’s the thing about pretending — you can only do it for so long. I think both of us are disappointed that he never had the courage to be himself or to live authentically in the 10 years we were together. So much time wasted pretending.
We both acknowledged that it’s far better to be honest and open about who we are and what we want. I wish that he avoided hurting me but I can’t undo that. I wish he did have the courage to tell me that he wanted out before cheating and putting me through the hell of the past month but again, can’t un-ring that bell. I think we understand each other better now — this true version of him is, to me, sad and depressed. Not someone who I would want to have a relationship with. I know myself better now — I’m not about to try and ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ anyone. That’s not a relationship. That’s a carer’s role.
So, I wish him … well … I wish him a life that is authentic and his.