As a newly single girl (read woman) I feel like I’ve been under a rock for the past 20 years and completely missed the part where dating is all about what dating app you meet someone through. I am incredibly daunted by dating apps and I really don’t want to use them. I think I am skeptical because dating these days is so different to the traditional dating that I think of and I’m not completely comfortable with the ‘menu’ technique of these dating apps. What I mean by that is this, on the dating apps you have a veritable menu of people who are specifically tailored to you. Like, if you love bacon and you go to a restaurant with a menu of ALL bacon dishes. I mean how do you know you don’t love sausage as well if all you order from is a menu of bacon? Any way, I digress and I’m getting hungry for pork products.

Because of the internet there is a myriad of ways to meet (and pursue) people not the least being social media apps. You can join groups, search by tags, click on people’s photos and the list goes on. It’s a menu of a different kind. I have no desire to go to a bar and sit there with the hope that some guy comes over and offers to buy me a drink. I think about things like, what am I doing there whilst waiting, how am I sitting, do I have a drink in front of me already and if so then why is he going to offer to buy me a drink, and, is the guy coming over to chat with me coming over because I look a certain way? It bothers me that someone would first be drawn to the way I look as opposed to who I am — like are my looks a gateway to who I am? Shouldn’t it be the other way? Clearly I’m unequipped to survive in this new world — plus, still hungry for pork.

I’m starting to uncover what I want and like in a guy — yes, after being married to two guys over the past 20 years (not at the same time). If I didn’t roll my own eyes at that one then you certainly can! Guys who love cats are like my bacon. Smart guys. Funny guys. And someone who isn’t fucking addicted to porn and lying — that’s a new prerequisite thanks to my asshole ex. Thanks to him, I now have to add this frightening and sad requirement to my relatively short list of requirements for a guy. Because he’s a dirty disgusting porn addict, I get to wash off the stench of that from my person for the rest of my life. Thanks, asshole. Less hungry now.

So my list for a guy is this, smart, funny, love cats, not into porn and lying and last, NOT an asshole. You would think that this would be simple but it’s not. I am convinced that this guy (because clearly there is only one if any) does not exist — or if he does, he’s married to a supermodel who is also a chef and a brain. He’s basically married to Chrissy Teigen. So what hope is there for me? I don’t want to do dating apps and I’m giving up on there being a guy who can come close to that very simple criteria. None. I have less than zero chance of a guy who is smart and not an asshole.

I recently crushed so hard on a guy on Instagram because he has cats, is funny and he’s smart. Given I’ve only just started crushing on him I don’t know his porn predilections but I do know he doesn’t lie about big things — for example, he was truthful in telling me that he’s married. But that didn’t stop the crush. I mean I fell hard for this guy — which was when I realized exactly how much fuckery is caused by the internet and this new world we live in. You can be married and totally faithful but still have multiple side bits on various social media sites. Is it okay to ‘instacrush’ on people and pursue them? Isn’t it a safe way to soothe our egos and feel that rush of excitement? Is it the same addiction to the same endorphin as porn addicts feel?

So my ‘instacrush’ and I had this witty banter going and we both feel the pull towards each other albeit from different countries and different worlds. I’m a single woman and he’s a married man. Should I spend my time ‘putting myself out there’ or should I keep spending my time ‘inside online’? Maybe it comes down to what we are all looking for. I haven’t had a man pay attention to me for … well … forever. Namely because I am not inserting massive objects into my body parts for money online on a camera. I’m not looking for actual sex — I have a few talented toys for that. I’m not looking for a relationship where some asshole lives with me and makes me unhappy. So maybe this new world of ‘instacrushes’ and ‘weblationships’ is the way forward for me.

I’m off to make myself a sandwich and see what my ‘instacrush’ is up to.