The Man You Never Were

Duality

I fell for the man you never were — all the things I wanted you to be but who you never were, never could be and didn’t want to be. I wanted you to be happy, relaxed, confident, joyful, thoughtful, successful, loving, honest, kind, ambitious, warm, caring, giving and I wanted you to be someone I could be proud of. Instead, you were sad, nervous, unsure, depressed, selfish, dishonest, cold, distant, mean, hopeless, angry, empty and devoid of emotion.

Who I wanted is a reflection of me — we often want people who are like us, we look for similarities and sameness when we search out mates and partners. You fooled me into believing you were who I wanted by being a chameleon to my needs, wants and me. Because you have no realness about you, you are able to mimic the ‘being’ of another so you can fool them into thinking they have found the other side to the coin that is them. There is no authenticity about you — you’re an empty shell of existence. There is nothing real about you — you don’t know who you are, what you are and what you’re about because you simply go through life reflecting others.

When you were with me, you reflected the best of life. Because I am that way. I know that now and I’m not unsure about it in the least — If nothing else, you showed me who I was/am. The great thing about a mirror is that it shows you who you are — and sometimes it’s a good thing. You showed me that I was and am inspirational, magical, hopeful, ambitious, loving, kind, honest and a good person. You showed me that I could do anything and be the best version of me.

When you stopped reflecting me — you chose another world to start mimicking — a world of the worst humanity had to offer. This became the ‘norm’ for you. You became entrenched in smut, in sex, in graphic sexual fantasies, in prostitution, in lying, in cheating, in dirt and in filth. That’s who you became. You are an empty vessel — you have no personality of your own so whatever you immerse yourself in is what you become. When we were together you were light and happy. Now that you’re in this dark world of online sex with cam girls and porn stars, your world is smut and so are you.

This has shown me that you are indeed, nothing. There is nothing to you — you do not have anything of worth. You are empty and you will always be empty. Life is wasted on you. I think somewhere in your head you know this but you lack any ‘realness’ about it. It’s this lack of realness in you that encourages you to lie and create these fantasy worlds where you are something instead of the nothing you really are. But I know you — I’ve been witness to you for so many years and you can’t hide from me. This is likely the reason you’re so angry — because I can see you for all the emptiness you are. Where a soul should be, there is nothing — just a dark, empty void.

Without you I am still emitting light, love, energy and hope — because that’s who I am. I am not empty — I am filled with an impenetrable joy that is the essence of life itself. I know who I am — I am sure of myself. I’m proud of myself. I will never hide myself away from who I am like you do. You are constantly hiding from people because you’re ashamed of you. You should be — because who you really are is vile. I am able to shine bright now without you to steal my light — I’m happy for that. Because I’m a compassionate, empathetic person, I look at your life and I feel sorry for you. But I really shouldn’t. Should I pity you? No. I should feel nothing for you because that’s what you are — nothing.

A while ago you were in tears and you told me you were thinking of killing yourself. Whilst I wouldn’t want anyone to do that, I knew where you were coming from because you were confronted with who you were without anyone to reflect off. You saw that you were nothing, no-one and that you were ‘disposable’. I will not stop you or save you from taking your own life because that’s not my responsibility. It’s not something I want to be responsible for. Personally I wish I’d never met you and that I knew nothing of you. I don’t hate you or like you. I ‘nothing’ you. I feel appalled that you were allowed to breathe my oxygen for so long — that you were allowed to live in my light and share my world. For that I’ll never forgive you.

I see my world in shades of shimmering gold, resplendent reds, bountiful blues and pure white. I don’t want your vile blackness and your stagnant grey to contaminate my world. Be gone. Forever.