Who, me?

Sometimes in between thoughts I like to write. Writing is where I can see my thoughts in a neat and orderly manner — unlike the way they swirl, dip, dance and melt into each other in my head. I write for a number of reasons — mostly as therapy for myself. Tonight I’m writing because I don’t want to spill my thoughts to another person — there is no one close enough to me in my life right now to be self indulgent with. One of the ‘perks’ of being single. Yes, there are friends but if they are being good friends they will listen and tell you to snap the fuck out of it and you’ll need to. I am guessing with some partners there is the ability to share things with them. I’ve not had that. So I learned how to write my thoughts down and therapy myself. I guess that’s part of ‘adulting’ as well.

In so many ways I feel like a new born colt — trying to stand on unsteady legs and not knowing what the fuck I’m doing. I’ve been an adult long enough to have some of this stuff sorted out but I really don’t. I don’t even know if other adults have things sorted or they are just pretending. What if none of us have things sorted and we’re all just faking it?! I had a minor panic today because I couldn’t find my passports! Of course they were right where I left them but I didn’t search well enough — but the fact that I couldn’t find them and I couldn’t ask anyone else both relieved and terrified me. In that moment ‘adulting’ meant that I was responsible for myself. No one was coming to rescue me or find things for me. It also meant that I needed to take care of myself.

I find I’m no longer tolerant of people who are selfish, rude, mean or unkind. I was tolerant before — to a certain extent. But now I’m not. I think it’s part of protecting myself because I don’t have anyone else to do it for me. I don’t know if I did before but I may have deluded myself into thinking I did. I had a conversation with someone today where I told her that she wasn’t making the effort in our relationship so rather than me being passive aggressive about it, I’m just going to tell her. If she doesn’t want to deal with that then that’s fine. But I’m no longer willing to be nice and to please people. I have to work bloody hard not to default to the same behaviours I’ve always demonstrated where I try to make nice and I give second chances. No more.

I find it hard. But I’m also getting better at sharing with other people and listening to them when they tell me that I need to NOT act. I ache to react because it’s what I do. But I won’t. I’m actively breaking the cycle I’ve been in for my whole life. I’m finally putting myself first and taking care of me. I’m learning the lesson the first time. This too is ‘adulting’. It may seem childish, petty, emotional and a myriad of other things but to me it’s not. It’s simply taking control of things and protecting myself. With me first.

What does it mean for me to put me first? It’s doing what I want and what is good for me. Not responding to how something makes the other person feels. It may seem unsympathetic and unfeeling but my whole damn life I’ve done that. And no one has ever put me first. I think I need to put me first for once in my life. Adulting to me means being responsible for myself and taking care of me — putting me first. It won’t always be me first in all circumstances but it doesn’t have to always be others before me either. I think for me to put someone else first I would need to have some indication they can put me first sometimes as well. This is important for me — a new expectation I should have. I realised as well that I have so few expectation of people that I pretty much take what they give. This is changing now. Thankfully.

So at the end of this brain dump I have to say that adulting is something I’m learning how to do. I started about 6 months ago so I’m still new at it. But I’m going to persevere because I have to.