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Bring on the Sex Dolls

She’s hot, amirite?

They’re coming. And for the most part, women are afraid. We’re afraid that men will simply turn to the compliant, anything goes, no bitching involved play toy and stay away from our real skin, acne, stubble and stretch marks forever. We’ll never get looked at or hugged or kissed or snuggled. But hell, many of us have to beg for that type of foreplay as it is.

Also, the unspoken truth is that women are afraid that we’ll lose any of the physical “leverage” we have (yeah, I said it). How will we get any yard work done if we can’t promise a sexual treat? How will a man even realize it’s his birthday without a blow job? Maybe we’re also a bit jealous because know that there won’t be a male version. Who is working on the product development for that one? Nobody! If they are, it will still only programmed to suck dick, this I promise you.

Men, on the other hand, CANNOT WAIT. You know how many men now list “Ex Machina” as their favorite movie? TONS. Even though (spoiler alert) she murders everyone. They want to play with a dolly that bad!! Smooth, hairless, perfect proportions, ordered to spec. What could be better? Butttttt…there’s a little bit of fear, still.

Men are afraid that their dicks will get bitten off.

Yeah, that’s it. Dolly runs into a programming glitch and clamps down too hard on Junior and it’s Game Over <sad trombone>.

These are all valid concerns. But, much like the advent of free internet porn, we’re not going to talk about it until it’s too late. We’re going to let sex dolls invade society and pretend it’s just fine. We’re going to ignore the further destruction of male/female relationships just like we’ve done for the past 20-odd years of internet porn that has increased ED in younger and younger men. Women are being pressured to do things sexually that were unheard of in the past (or risk being called “vanilla”…omg, the shame and horror) and sex has become an endurance contest, where the man bends and flips the woman into 50 different positions in one session, sticks it in her ass and cums on her face.


But, you know what? Maybe it IS just fine. Maybe the dolls would be an improvement. Because, in the past few years, my friends and I have all experienced one horrible, unpleasant or (at best) awkward sexual situation after another. All of these things have happened in consensual settings, don’t get me wrong, but here’s the thing about sex and consent that a lot of people don’t talk about: the element of surprise.

Oftentimes, things can be going along just fine during a hookup and then something shocking will happen or said out loud that will throw you off so much that you just go along with it because you’re in shock. Men are great at deploying this tactic. I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not, but it works to their advantage.

For example, after a night with a Mr. Big who had said to me seconds before we started, “I hope you’re not one of those girls who can only cum in one position” (haha, gotcha buddy because I can fake it in all of them) we took a shower together and he suddenly said, “I’m peeing on you.” I looked down. He most certainly was. “EWW!” I shrieked and scooted out of the way. But it was too late, I had been peed on.

A friend hooked up with a guy on her couch in her apartment. Sex was fine, but after he sat there, naked, playing with his foreskin, making farting noises with his dick. She said, “Oh my god stop that.” And he said, “Why? It soothes me.” (!!!!!!) She didn’t see Dick Farter again. Byyyeeeeeee. Damage done, though, she now knows that dick farting exists.

Another friend was hooking up with a guy who suddenly started jerking himself off. He was so quick about it that she was taken aback. As he was about to cum, he asked her if she wanted to swallow it. “No!”, she said, “Why would I want you to just jerk off into my mouth?”

“Some girls like it.” He replied. No they don’t, dude. No they don’t.

These guys don’t want actual women. They want sex dolls. Compliant, pre-programmed dollies that do everything the porn stars do without complaint. And, ladies, you know what? I think it’s okay to be okay with it, because frankly, I know you’re tired. Tired of hooking up with dudes who have no interest in your sexual pleasure. Tired of being treated like a menu of potential services. Tired of being sexually surprised. Tired of agreeing to sex acts that you are unpleasant at best, painful at worse. Tired of being asked ‘what you’re into’ on the first date. Because you know what? Most of us are ‘into’ being treated with a bit of respect and sensual foreplay. But weirdly, that doesn’t sound too sexy. Our menu is supposed to include anal, BDSM and three ways. Even if we ARE into those things, maybe it’s not something we want to divulge on Date One? Because the thing of it is, we don’t know in the middle of Date One if we want Date Two with you, let alone choke on your cock till we get tears in our eyes.

So, if you’re unwilling to stop with the porn and get back to a bit of sensual romance… here is your dolly. Go play house.

Women, don’t be afraid. The dolls are a needed respite. And using sex as currency is gauche anyway, stop that. The dolls will be a time out and a breather. A relief for most of us. And just think of all the achievements we’ll make as women while the men are at home, playing dolls.