The Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to Dating Safety

Earlier today I had a Gchat conversation with my comedian friend, Adam, who lives in New York.

It perfectly encapsulates the differences of male and female perspectives on dating safety. It has been edited for privacy. Two things you should know…my number one rule of dating is no comedians and also, Adam and I have never met in real life. We’re internet friends.

Adam: yo dawg

me: Word. Holla.

yeah I’m out of that sort of lingo

oh, no…wait. SUP.

Adam: haha. how are you

me: I’m doing alright. How you doin’?

Adam: doing alright

any more insane dates?

me: Uhhh not insane. I went out with the guy who made me run into the wall. [backstory: hot guy at library distracted me. I walked out a door and slammed my face into a column while he watched out the window.]That was more just…odd. Went out with an artist guy I like. Legit dude. That was pretty good. He took me to a great dinner with pie and then…A COMEDY SHOW.

Adam: oh wow!

me: But it was a bit traumatizing the fact that it was comedy

Adam: always finding a way to include comedy

me: So, I just held his hand and let him kiss me when the lights went down.

So there you go.

Adam: this is exceptionally detailed [Much of the detail has been removed for privacy sake.]

me: sorry? I’m a writer. You asked.

Adam: wasn’t complaining!

me: And then this week I matched with five Mike’s in a row on Bumble. Five. How does that even happen? So I picked one. Because I believe in the Law of Fuck Yes or Fuck No. So, I picked one who I had the Fuck Yes reaction to his face.

Adam: hahaha

me: And talked to him. And he asked me out. So, tomorrow we’ll have burgers. He called to set it up. That was new.

Adam: so much eating involved in your dates

me: Yes. Food is important. If it all goes downhill…

Adam: i have a strict “no eating on the first date” rule

me: there is always food. Oh, well I have a strict no alcohol on first meeting.

I don’t trust strange men.

Scratch that.

I don’t trust men I haven’t met.

Even if I have known them for a long time.

Plus, food brings people together. It is a connector.

Adam: you wouldn’t trust me?!

my food thing is a matter of how long i’ll be committed to being there

me: You could have a piece of pie. Pie dates are good for scared-of-commitment men.

Adam: if i know it’s gonna be bad right off the bat, i don’t wanna be stuck ordering and waiting for and eating food

me: Pie is short.

Adam: also i don’t wanna have to worry about if i’m eating weird or whatever

me: oh boy. You need to get over your shit. I go all in.

I say, “Look, I like to enjoy my food.” The right answer is…”Good. I like a woman who enjoys food.” The wrong answer is: Bernie Sanders side-eye

Adam: ha who would do that

drinks are just so much easier

me: YOU WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF HOW HE EATS WOULD DO THAT.

No. Drinks are not easier.

Sketchy bros can put stuff in your drinks.

and who knows how you’re going to act if you have a drink

you’re not in control.

drinking is not good.

you don’t know the man.

you can’t trust him yet.

alcohol is out.

If you don’t have alcohol and you start feeling weird then you know something is wrong.

Adam: i get these concerns but i think if you’re gonna get a guy who’s trying to drug you, he’s not gonna quit at the prospect of not having a drink to drug

also i’m not saying get drunk

get one drink

not suggesting you should line up shots along the bar and get black out

me: This is true. But that’s what I’m saying. If you don’t have a drink and you start feeling weird, you know something is up. Plus there are a ton of other safety precautions women take.

It’s different dating as a woman than as a man.

Adam: yeah i get that

me: Do you know that every date I go on I take a screenshot of the guy, his number, and his name and send it to my best friend?

Two of my bests have my locations services on at all times.

They know where I am. But I also tell them where I am going when I go to meet a dude and the approximate times I’ll be there.

And that’s not me being overzealous. That’s pretty routine.

Adam: good thinking

i do that when i sell or buy stuff on craigslist

haha

me: I guess [online] dating for women is kind of like picking a couch from Craigslist.

Adam: almost the exact same thing

That was our conversation and I started thinking about all the other rules I have.

Never let a man in my car on a first date. Don’t walk down dark alleys. Make sure there are always other humans present. Keep pepper spray handy. WTF KIND OF A DATING WORLD DO WE LIVE IN? This isn’t some post-apocalyptic fight-till-the-death, his-life-or-mine young adult novel. This is pie or coffee or a burger and hopefully some good conversation. But these are the things I keep in the back of my mind.

The other night a male friend of mine invited a woman over to cook dinner with him for a first date. I was horrified. “Be careful,” I said, “Be safe.” He informed me he was a big man and could take care of himself, that dating was far different for men than women. All I could think of was how many sharp utensils there were in a kitchen and how easy it would be for someone to sneak something drug-like into whatever they were cooking with you.

Because when your trust has been destroyed, you don’t give it away at a first meeting.

Trust is built. Trust is earned. Trust is something you get after you prove you deserve it. That is perfectly okay.

I read all of the things that I’ve written here and think about all of my rules that I haven’t even written down for you and think, “My God, Melissa, you sound paranoid.” The truth is, I’m not paranoid; I’m just a woman trying to go on dates and be safe at the same time. I want you to be able to do the same thing.

My inbox is full of “me too” stories about date rape and guys taking it too far and not accepting “no.” And, yeah, I want men to take responsibility. I want them to own up. I want them to change their ways. My best friend even wrote this piece last week wherein he asked other men to do just that. But until they do, women, I want us to be safe.

So, let’s do it. Bring your pepper spray. Wear your location device jewelry. Filter the crap out of the men you date. Meet in public places. Don’t go home with strangers. Don’t invite them into your homes. And for your own sake, take that self-defense class you’ve been putting off and learn how to use that brilliant, sexy body of yours to protect yourself. 99% of the humans you meet are going to be deeply good and slightly flawed, with mostly alright intentions towards you. Just in case you meet that other 1%, be prepared.