My commitment issues keep hurting me
My whole life I’ve struggled committing. Committing to — well, anything. Going to my friends house after school on Friday and today is Thursday. Committing to volunteer work, even though I know in my heart I want to do it. Committing to buying a car (cash) cause then I’m obligated to buy insurance that comes with a contract and all the car maintenance that comes along with it (responsibilities I guess!). Committing to the dreaded what I want ‘to be when I grow up’. Guess what, I’m grown up and I still don’t know what I want to do or be (but hey, it’s also kept me packed full of experiences and stories to tell!).
The beginning
Fast forward to adulthood and I’m still struggling. Choosing a major in college was/has been/is a fiasco. Changed my mind at least 5 times… guess what, still no degree. (‘They’ say the only losers are those who give up, well, I ain’t no loser. So here I am on major… #7? still trying to finish.)
I started a good job, perfect for a college student. Worked my way up, but guess what — I hate it, loathe it, to be clear. But I’m stuck now. I can’t get a better job, because no degree. I can’t get a degree, because I cannot commit.
Life today
I have been in basically one industry, but just barely push through daily. I commit to one day at a time only. I have no loyalty to a company or industry where I am not special, I am just next in line. I absolutely hate it, but hey, I can quit or move on at anytime, right? That’s always my attitude, and now, how is this improving me? I am so dead inside, so unhappy, so in turmoil not being true to myself. So I try new things.
I tried a different industry working for a top Investment Company. Wow, that was awful, I got sent home for not wearing nylons with my pants and showed an entire inch of my skin on the top of my foot when it was 95 degrees outside. Another employee was fired who had the same name as me about 3 weeks before I started. They said should be no problem. Well, it was a problem. I somehow was blamed that I was not doing any work (while I was in training with a partner and a trainer to oversee this work.) Also, got an internal parking ticket for a day when I was not even employed at the company. So guess what, yep, you got it. I quit that crap job. It wasn’t about the actual job, it was about appearance. So tried a few other things, but still kept going back to the original industry I started in college. Even though it was crap, I was decent at it and could tolerate it.
On the side, I’ve tried a few businesses. Like travel agent. That was a bust. I tried a virtual assistant. This is pretty nonexistent for me, I am awful trying to build a dang website to even get clients. So again, no go. Tried voice over work… can’t make a dent, although my skills are pretty dang good! I even tried medium a couple of years ago, but my self-confidence was in the crapper and quit shortly afterwards.
Some motivation
I read an article yesterday from Darius Foroux in which he states, “… as long as we’re struggling internally, we can never achieve our full potential.”
Someone just a few days ago referencing a past memory of teenager he was mentoring who was going through some difficult times figuring out who he himself was … this person told the teenager to choose one thing and stop trying to be one person on Monday, another person on Tuesday, and third person on Wednesday, etc. and just pick and commit to something.
This really struck a cord with me. I need to just pick something and do it, and do it well. When that is finished, do the next thing, and do it well.
Well, no matter where I have been, my best thing I love to do and gets me excited is writing. I don’t know why. I cannot explain it. But I am going to commit to it now. I am ready for a commitment in my life.
All I can do now is try and try my best everyday. T
Today is a new day.
