To the One I Didn’t Know How to Love

I’m sorry. With all of my heart, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of the times I treated you badly (which there are too many to count). I’m sorry for every time I pushed you away to the point where there were tears streaming down your face, I’m sorry I was so clueless on loving you that I wasn’t treating you right anymore, I’m sorry for all the times I was mad at you for no reason. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to love you.

But thank you. Thank you so much for making me feel like the most beautiful, perfect girl in the world. Thank you for the little things that meant the world to me. For your little kisses, for your forehead kisses, for your tight hugs, and the way you always smelled so good.

Thank you for the way you would kiss my hand repeatedly and for the way you always told me that you loved me. Thank you because I know you always thanked God for me. Thank you for looking at me like I was all you ever wanted out of life, thank you for wanting a future with me. Thank you.

We were good together. After almost two years, things only changed for the better. We fought, God knows we did. But we always held it together. When I thought things were a lost cause, you found a way to make it work, and I thank you for that. It meant so much how hard you tried for me.

I’ll be honest, I never had faith we would last, perhaps that’s why I didn’t know how to love you. I didn’t know how to love something I knew I would lose. Although all you ever said was that everything I’ve ever done was enough, I will always believe that I never loved you right.

God.. You were what I wanted, but above that you were what I needed. When I didn’t know to love myself, you showed me how. When I wasn’t sure if I could do it, you were always there, without a doubt in my mind that I could. When I cried, your shoulder was always soaked with my tears. I love you, and I still do love you.

As gay as it sounds, I ache for you.

I ache for your touch, your kiss, your hug, your jokes, the way your eyes disappear when you laugh at something I said.

How will I ever make it without you? I’m sure I will but, I want you with me, every step of the way. I never wanted to lose you because it would cause me so much pain, but all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. You always said you were happy with me, but I never thought it was enough. I want you to be so painstakingly happy that you would wonder why you ever chose to be with me.

And you were so mad at first. You wouldn’t let me leave because you thought I was your entire world. But like I always told you, I wasn’t. I was never your world, I was just a drop of water in your vast ocean. But now look at you, exploring and going on so many adventures I would have never allowed you to pursue.

You didn’t see it then but I’m sure you see it now. And one cannot fathom how hard I wish to be a part of your adventures, but my chapter is done now. I still love you, but my chapter is done now. I still love you, like I always did. You were my first everything and I’m proud to say I was yours too. I know that I’ll always have a special place in your heart although things will never be like they were before, no matter how hard I pray.

Instead, I pray that you continue to be the good, strong man I’m proud to say I turned you into, even though I wasn’t the right one for you.

I’m so proud of you, you’re doing everything I knew you would do. I’m so sorry for everything. But God, I am so thankful that you were brought into my life. I’m just sorry I wasted my chance.

I love you. I won’t ever stop loving you. I’m sorry.

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