My heart hurts. My father had a heart attack at age 38, and anxiety and depression run in my family. I always get a tight feeling in my chest right where my heart is, my breathing changes, my heartbeat changes. My health can’t take this much heartache. I’ve been in a depressive funk for almost 3 months and I can’t seem to shake it. I have nothing to live for. I’m living at a dead end. I work a dead end job, never have any money, I can’t afford to go to college regardless that my CPS waiver covers tuition and fees simply because i can’t afford the gas, books, tests and the loss of sleep. My dream is to get married and have kids, and my significant other doesn’t see that future with me. Why? Because I act like a child and he doesn’t believe in marriage. I’m sorry, but I don’t like the idea of “just being in a relationship” with my SI. I don’t want to be 4–7 years into my relationship and still calling him my “boyfriend.” I don’t believe in waiting that long for marriage. If you’re with somebody 2–3 years, why not tie the knot and make it forever? It doesn’t take that long to figure out if you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody. Oh but wait, I act like a child, I’m not seen as a girlfriend, i’m not seen as a lover, I’m not seen as an equal. I’m a rather opinionated and vocal person, I like to voice when something is bothering me, whether it be rational or irrational. And nobody seems to listen to me rationally, so what does that leave me? Being set off by the smallest things that bother me, such as my boyfriend acting like a parent rather than a boyfriend. Everything i do and say is stupid, everything i do and say is childish. His whole family and people we know, as well as co workers, all have said to him multiple times “Why are you still with her? Why do you put up with her shit?” And that’s supposed to make me feel good? I’m supposed to feel happy that I’m being talked about like I’m such a horrible person that says and does stupid things just because I have differences in my view of the world, what I chose to say and what I choose to do? I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have a lot of common sense due to being raised as such a sheltered child. But that doesn’t give anybody the right to treat me and what I have to say as “stupid, childish and a stuck up, no fun spoiled little bitch.” If I could afford the medical help I need to try and help me become a more mellow, laid back person, believe me I’d be all over the medication that I need. I don’t care how much it would cost, I just want to be happy. I can already tell my heart can’t take much more before I start having issues health wise regarding my heart. I’m about to turn 23 years old, I shouldn’t be dealing with this much stress. I don’t care about food anymore, I only eat because I know if I don’t, I will just become lethargic and anorexic. I don’t want to eat anymore, I’m tired of food. I’m tired of living a life where I have no money for anything but bills and gas for my car. How can we plan to move and make a better life for ourselves when we can’t even have the ability to save money due to bills? I wanted to be moved by March this year, and it is now June. Now we plan to move by November or maybe December at the latest, and we have yet to be able to put back any money. This is one factor of my current depression. Aside from that, I’m just tired of everything. Tired of being treated like a child by the man who claims to love me. Tired of food. Tired of working at a place where everybody hates me, tired of the tension caused from everybody hating me. I think I would be better off alone since nobody seems to want to even try to understand me or anything that I think or feel. I’m highly misunderstood, and it hurts me deeply that I can’t get any help with my psychological and mental problems. At least I acknowledge that I have these problems. A lot of people don’t and just live a life of misery, hurt and pain trying to find a significant other that will deal with how they are as people. People like me aren’t normal, and I personally am tired of people trying to treat me as if I’m normal. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, perhaps even a slight bit of autism, this stuff is no joke. And not enough people who don’t suffer from these things, understand or even know how to handle people who have to deal with it on a daily basis. Instead, it gets brushed off and people like me get called “childish” simply because they can’t understand what’s going through our heads. I just wish people would stop treating me as if I am inferior to them. Like I’m literally some child that nobody wants to deal with because nothing that comes out of my mouth makes any sense, it’s all stupid and ignorant. Like I used to say when I was 18 when my older (Adopted) brother would come over to the house, he would always act disinterested in anything I had to say, I would always say “Nobody wants to hear what a stupid ignorant teenager has to say.” As if nothing that came out of my mouth was “adultlike” or “serious.” Last I checked I’m one of the least fun people I know when it comes to a lot of things. I’m always serious, and I like intellectual, intelligent conversations, not goofing around being funny, stupid, childish and ignorant all the time. There are multiple ways of being childish, and one specific way that I tend to see around these parts, is partying. I hate “parties” if that’s really what they want to call what they do a “party.” The reason I call that childish, is because it is something for irresponsible people in their early, mid and late 20s to do because they can’t seem to have good conversation or company without the use of alcohol or marijuana being involved. People who have no goals, no idea what they want in their future. They’re too stuck in the “now” to look and see where they’re going to be in 5 years, even 10 years. I see myself having gone to school, gotten my associates degree to be a veterinary technician, being married, have at least 1 or 2 kids, a really good job in the veterinary field, and living either in a really nice apartment or a small house. That’s what I see for myself. And my SI can’t even fathom the idea of marriage nor even the slightest bit of having kids with me because he says I can’t even take care of myself. Honestly, I feel like him telling me these things makes him think it’s supposed to make me feel good. And it hurts my so bad that it keeps me in my depressive state, constantly on the verge of a panic attack and my chest hurting so bad that I can’t breath properly. But please, if anybody thinks they have some miracle way for me to become more mature, less emotionally, psychologically and mentally unstable, I’d love to hear it. Because I sure as hell can’t even afford a $25 copay at my doctor’s office just to get the prescription written on paper, let alone paying for the actual medicine itself. Nothing seems like it’s ever going to change for me, and there is nothing I can seem to do or say to make my relationship with my SI better because he doesn’t see me as an SI, I’m just a small, ignorant, stupid little child to him.

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