If you think Trump looks bad now, just wait five years

Neil H
Neil H
Aug 28, 2017 · 2 min read
David Beckham, ca. 2004

Hair styles don’t age well.

According to an ironclad rule of physics: No matter how cool you think your hair style is right now, 10 years from now you’ll look back and say: “What was I thinking?”

Republican presidential candidates are like haircuts in reverse: they age well. In the moment, they seem horrendous (just look at Trump’s hair). But four years later, when the newest, more virulent strain is hatched like an orc, the last rendition suddenly looks almost presidential.*

That’s the genius of the GOP’s Darwinian process for cranking out candidates. In Thunderdome, 16 candidates go in, only one comes out. The loudest, most outrageous candidate beats his opponents into submission which guarantees that every four years we have a ticket featuring at least one whack job.

Like reality television (coincidence?) you can’t get by with the same act season after season. If you want to stand out, you have to utter obscene, obnoxious, offensive shit and always be taking it to a new level.

That’s why every GOP ticket since Reagan has set a new low for gravitas (not that intelligence and articulateness have ever been an asset in American politics). Yet every one of them appears larger than life in the rearview mirror (at least by comparison with the idiot we’re stuck with now).

Reagan was disparaged as nothing more than an actor but today he is revered like Washington. Dan Quayle, once dismissed as a mental midget, now a patrician with the IQ of Watson. Bob Dole? Once cranky uncle, then elder statesman. George W. Bush? Once dumb as a post, now wise sage (and painter) of Crawford, Texas. John McCain? Once a war hero, now a war hero with brain cancer.

Is it possible that we’ll look back on Trump in years to come with a newfound fondness and respect? When Kid Rock and Ted Nugent announce their run for the White House in 2020, Donald Trump may suddenly seem like a reasonable, intelligent man. And when Adam Sandler survives the winnowing in 2024 to emerge as the front-runner, Trump’s reputation will be burnished like a fine wine.

It’s hard right now to imagine anyone worse than Trump, but don’t underestimate the Republicans. They’ll find some slug under a rock (hey, look, it’s Ted Cruz). Just think how good Trump’s orange hairball is going to look then.

I miss him already.

* Sarah Palin is a notable exception. She will never be rehabilitated by history or haircuts.

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Written by

Neil H

Curmudgeon. Contrarian. Conmudgian.

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