The piss theory

Why am I writing about them? Because urinals piss me off, literally. I do not understand them, I have a background in understanding human behaviour, experience design, service design, and user experience. Based on the knowledge of these fields I cannot make sense of this “rich” tradition. We all (from the male species) have had slightly awkward conversations with strangers holding their penis in a nightclub or a tank station. So I started wondering. Every time I walk into a toilet, which urinal do people choose, and why?

Imagine there are 5 toilets, men are most likely to use number 3 or 4 counting from entry. You can see this by walking into many toilets or looking at the size of the soap in the bottom (if there is any), which is always smallest in those (based on research… obviously) Now it is etiquette to not go stand next to someone where possible. But try that when you are on a night out, or at a tank station or airport.

It’s quite logical. People don’t like to be cornered whilst holding their penis unless it’s consensual. So imagine you have chosen a toilet in the corner, number 5. And a really big fat smelly trucker (no offence) comes and blocks you in at number 4 whilst trying to peak over your shoulders to see the size of your manhood. I guess you understand the feeling…

There is this other thing. To avoid being accused of staring in someone direction you have these guys who basically stare at the ceiling… Not looking to anyone. Nor themselves. Where it splatters they don’t really care. Especially if they go hand in hand with “ooohs” and “aaahs”, it makes it a little awkward.

The other one is when old men or drunkards (again, no offence..) can’t get it out. Standing there flapping, pulling or waiting till liquids emerges… not really an event I need to participate in. You always have the losers. Who takes up a toilet space even if they only need a wee. It is probably to most inconsiderate thing one could do.

The urinal you chooses must say something about your personality. If I come and stand next to you when we are taking a leak. I am clearly not afraid of you, nor intimidated, I feel superior or simply don’t care. If I go in the toilet when half the urinals are taken I am slightly intimidated by all these naked male reproductive organs having in the air we share. However of course this depends on the number of urinals being present. If there are 2, it means less then when there were 10. Proximity to a nearby male species is a choice.

When there are three normal toilets 80% of the “users” take the middle one the they are all free. Why is this. This scenario leads to 100% of someone next to you in case someone comes to the toilet. If you choose toilet 1 or 3 there is a 50% change that you will stay “alone”. Actually this change is much higher because hardly anyone chooses the option that interferes in someone else’s space on purpose.

I think HR managers should use it as a personality test. Most people are nervous before an interview and will go to the toilet. Which toilet you choose can tell if you will fit in the team or not. Speaking to a potential future colleague is a good thing but might be considered pretentious. Toilet manners are much more complex and potentially valuable than people think, sadly not many think…

Luckily, I was just “taking the piss”.