Breaking free from a narcissistic nightmare: a personal journey
Not long ago, I stumbled upon Thomas Erikson’s “Surrounded by Narcissists”. There was no grand motivation to read it, just an ordinary interest about what kind of creatures are narcissists.
The first chapter barely held my attention, and I idly threw the book to the furthest part of my bedside table, thinking, “There’s no use in dissecting these self-absorbed people. I’ve crossed paths with dozens of them over the years and successfully steered clear.”
Fast forward to today, as I am writing this, I am recovering from brutal narcissistic abuse I experienced in a relationship. It was a brief yet heart-wrenching rollercoaster ride with more downs than ups, with damage that felt very profound and trailing up to this day.
So, what went down?
Mr Z is a good-looking and charismatic young man, who I had met through mutual friends. We clicked from the first date, and it seemed that we had a very similar outlook on life. He came off as very enthusiastic and comfortable to be around.
On the first date, he shared stories about his difficult upbringing and troubled years of early adulthood. As an empathetic soul, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, “Life can be so unjust. Why are some kids born into happy families while others are faced with the darkest sides of life?”
We started going on dates, and after each date I’d get a weird feeling like something’s off. There wasn’t any reason for me to feel this way, he treated me nicely. Yes, sometimes his reactions seemed a bit too emotional, but I constantly recalled his disorderly past, attributing his behaviour to upbringing.
The relationship has progressed rather quickly, as I now reflect on it. In a mere two weeks, Mr Z casually dropped the ‘L’ bomb (yup, now I know it was love bombing). Weirdly, it only heightened my anxieties.
Things started to get tense very quickly. In no time he began to seize control over my life and leisure. He didn’t openly demand control, it was rather indirect and deceptive, using all means of manipulation: rage, pity or sometimes even cry.
Simultaneously, lies began to pile up. Weirdly, his explanations, though far-fetched and implausible, somehow were just the bottom level of convincing for me to accept them. I often thought, “Well, that could have happened potentially. Never happened to me and anyone I know, but maybe his world works a bit differently.”
Sadly, the more lies and explanations I had to hear, the more I started to question my sanity.
The realisation came to me after an extremely distressing situation which unveiled the toxic nature of this relationship. I had blocked Mr Z and distanced myself for a while. It was as if I had finally broken free from the sharp, constricting leash he had placed around me.
I immersed myself into people’s stories about narcissistic abuse, found support groups, and delved into podcasts on the subject (shoutout to Lee Hammock, self-aware NPD), all of which played a pivotal role in my recovery.
Gradually, I began to regain my sense of self and had a realisation: “I hadn’t been losing my mind; I had become entangled with a manipulative, deceitful, and gaslighting narcissist.”
Making sense of narcissism
Narcissists, according to Erikson, are people with an excessively inflated sense of self-importance. Most commonly, they had experienced trauma in their childhood which made them realise that nothing good comes out of vulnerability and the best tactic to get what they want is through manipulation and control.
Narcissists have no care in the world how their manipulations may hurt you, as long as they are getting what they want, they are happy. And the worst part is that they are exceptionally good at masking their flaws, which allows them to commit their atrocities without getting caught for a long period of time.
Common traits they exhibit:
Can’t feel empathy: Inability to feel empathy is a very distinctive characteristic. They blocked all of their emotions, and, therefore, simply can’t put themselves in the shoes of others.
The first red flag emerged when I fell ill with a severe virus, and Mr. Z would call me during my bedridden days, insisting I still spend time with him. He threw tantrums, refusing to believe how sick I actually was.
One of the worst days was probably when he had a massive fight over his actions, which left me frustrated and upset. He withdrew and refused to explain himself.
Anxious, I went to bed with the issue unresolved, but my disrupted sleep led to a middle-of-the-night confrontation. Accidentally, I had woken him up and he asked what was wrong. When I expressed my concerns, he erupted in anger, demanding I leave his house immediately because my crying disturbed his sleep.
I went home at 5am, as commanded. This middle-of-the-night fight left me stunned.
Unrealistic, grandiose self-image: Although having an unrealistic self-image may have two interpretations: a person either underestimates their achievements or overestimates them. Narcissists fall under the latter category.
A person with narcissistic personality would constantly brag about their achievements even if in reality they are a complete failure. They twist reality in a favourable way and eventually start believing it. Better be delusional because the truth hurts.
Mr Z kept insisting he was special and ‘not like everyone else’. He frequently highlighted his challenging past, which he believed elevated him to near superhuman status, saying, “I’ve endured so much hardship that now I know better and deserve more than anyone else.”
He consistently acted on this belief, flouting societal norms, from cutting lines in public places to evading paying for takeaway using unconventional methods. He justified his actions as a display of his superior cleverness and knowing life’s ‘shortcuts’ which inferior others were unaware of.
You can’t hold them accountable: “They consistently blame others for their own mistakes and feelings and have an uncanny way of turning things around and making it someone else’s problem. You are at fault, not them,” says Dr Karyl McBride, the author of “Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism”.
“If you show them clear evidence of something they have done, they will deny it or say they don’t remember it. They will say you took it wrong and will rewrite the narrative of what they meant,” she continues.
This behavioural pattern in Mr Z I found to be specifically difficult to deal with. Throughout our short-lived relationship, I caught him red-handed on multiple occasions, only to be bewildered as he skilfully shifted blame onto me or other people (once he even blamed a stranger on the street).
Despite numerous confrontations from my end, he never acknowledged a single instance. Never.
Constantly crave power and control: Erikson explains, “All narcissists want is power and control. They’ll chase anything that produces this feeling of superiority or brilliance. Others must obey and ideally surrender. They expect absolute loyalty — you must obey and mustn’t talk back, you are their subject.”
Based on my experience, I can’t agree more on this description. Mr Z often said ‘I like to be in control’ or ‘not having control pisses me off’. And as I already mentioned in the beginning, he managed to take control over my life pretty quickly, in a matter of days.
He made attempts to isolate me from certain friends, convincing me they were unsavoury characters. My innocent and healthy ways of spending time were also under a constant attack: any deviation from his expectations would trigger furious outbursts and temper tantrums.
Manipulation and gaslighting: “Narcissists will deny what you know to be true in an attempt to destabilise you. They will insist you are imagining things, denying all evidence to the contrary. The longer this gaslighting goes on, the more self-doubt you may feel about your perceptions,” explains Dr Neuharth, licensed therapist and best-selling author.
Manipulation and gaslighting were the cornerstones of our relationship with Mr Z. He skilfully contoured reality, leaving me profoundly doubting my sanity.
He often made groundless attacks, accusing me of situations that never happened using unflattering language, which often made me cry. But that’s not even the worst part yet. Whenever I would mention that he made me cry, to my astonishment, he simply denied my tears. To him, I was just making it up to ‘manipulate’ and make him ‘look bad’.
Breaking the Cycle
Mr Z vividly exhibited all of the above characteristics, but regrettably, realisation of their poison came only after the damage was already inflicted — a pattern often seen among the victims of narcissistic abuse.
Most victims of narcissists come to terms that what they had experienced was narcissistic abuse quite late in the relationship or, like me, only after distancing themselves from the narcissist.
As I delved into the subject, I noticed that much of the literature lacked concrete, real-life illustrations of narcissistic abuse. Erikson’s examples, just like many other books, while highlighting the typical traits of a run-of-the-mill narcissist, fell short of capturing their genuine essence.
I was only able to break free after listening and reading other people’s stories. They led me to a revelation about the circularity of a relationship with a narcissist: from love bombing to despise. First, they love you, then they hate you. Over time, these cycles only become shorter. But they’ll always be. And no, next time it will not get better. Unfortunately.
Hence, sharing my personal story, I’d like to encourage people to talk openly about their experiences. Who knows, maybe your story can save someone from potential psychological and even physical damage. Good luck!
