You Gave Me PTSD

I remember 
I live in a consciousness that 
Keeps me hostage at different times of the day
Every day of my life
I remember sounds
Brought on by a disorder that paralyses my senses

Shadows swirling in terrifying darkness
Sounds of a heavy foot
Hot breath, and cruel laughter
Flurry clothes
Buttons flying
A struggle, and a rip
I remember the Touch
Of cool and heavy bands of flesh
That I still feel on my wrists
And whispers of breeze that did nothing
I remember
Laying still to lessen the pain that never stopped recurring
I remember 
The tears that tasted like warm metal
I remember
How I counted water
Drip! Drip!
Drip!
6, 16, 60
I remember 
The pain that came from being numb
Most of all
I remember
Your chilling voice
“It’s not rape when you’re willing darling”
I remember 
The cackle and the shove that came after
Of course, I remember
That I should forget these things
But this panic attacks
Keep opening a book
With several closed chapters
Just once
I ache to 
Forget to remember

Shola Ajayi