POTUS Wins Company-Wide Bake Off; Delivers Chocolatey Victory Speech
Washington D.C. — Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress… my fellow Americans:
Today was a historic day for our great nation. We embarked, uhhhhhh, together… on a journey, an expedition, a rite of passage… to find out once and for all, WHO could make the best ‘murican baked good in the White House, and other federal public offices.
Joe ‘Bojack Horseman’ Biden baked his grandma’s infamous diet peach cobbler. God, it was awful, and an immediate non-contender. Michelle, my lovely wife, baked cannibis brownies. I have to say, a little too rich in frosting, but damn that was some good cannibis! Sasha and Malia teammed together to make a classic vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting. It was alright but, agh, could you be any more boring and conservative. I don’t know who I paid to raise those kids but their doing a real shit job. Then there was Speaker of the House, John Boehner, who made y’all a pumpkin pie. It’s the middle of f%*#@&~ July, John… Know your audience. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. Of course, this competition wouldn’t have been what it was without the lackluster participation of our Supreme Court justices, too. Scalia baked a biscotti that was so bad, I’m declaring an executive order that it be deemed unconstitutional. Sotomayor baked some kind of weird space shit, real otherworldly, that was actually pretty good. But, I don’t know about all of you, it gave me the runs. And then the Notorious RBG, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, baked nothing, and called it something (a snickerdoodle samoa, I think)... I shit you not. If you went out to the polls today, you would have found an empty plate next to Ruth’s name. And that’s not because they ran out of what she made, it’s because she literally made nothing.
So, my fellow ’muricans, the votes — they were casted, the tribe — it has spoken, the American people — you, have spoken. And without a shadow of a doubt, while walking in the valley of a shadow of doubt, you all chose ME…. #ME
Were the difficult times along the way when I thought my triple-double chocolate cookie campaign (#DOPE/#HOPE) would be a lost cause? No. But could I at least admit that the competition gave me a run for my money? Again I would have to go with a hard, no. But would I be lying if I said I didn’t think you, the public, could act appropriately after trying this edible version of the fountain of youth. That would be NO, thrice.
As it will be written in the history books (for to the victor goes, uhh, the spoils), I lobbied hard for a post-it note to be placed next to my cookie that read:
Please Try And Keep Your Clothes On When Eating This.
The competition, specifically John Boehner, denied this motion.
And I think we all know that was a mistake now, as I noticed a slew registered voters contemplating removing various clothing items throughout the day at the polls after trying my cookie.
And who could blame them. I actually took off my shirt for a little while after having my second serving. For I, like all of you, am just a normal, (possibly) mortal, American citizen… married, with 2 and half kids, time warner cable, a neighbor I steal internet/Netflix from, and a weird but very strong obsession with WWII history.
But enough about me, this isn’t about me(?). This is about you. And all of your well-intentioned, well-directed, and well-endowed faith, that you have put into me. And my cookie baking skills.
I. AM. HUMBLED.
When I was a little boy on the banks of the Chicago River — if you don’t know by now, I’m talking about Chi-town — sitting on a park bench with a box of cookies, and I told some woman that life is like a box of cookies, and she told me to get off her property, never did I dream that one day I would be standing here before you….
But here I am. (rock you like a hurricane)
And so, I vow to continue representing your sound voice and good judgment in taste, for as long as you will allow one signle dictator to reign before assassinating him. Am I like Archduke Franz Ferdinand? When he said, “What is the good of your speeches? I come to Sarajevo on a visit, and I get bombs thrown at me. It is outrageous.”? Yes, I suppose I am. And that’s a little WWI history for all of you stuck on the intricacies of WWII.
I expect people to come after me.
That is to be expected. But do not fear, my friends. And do not fear, you my enemies, either. Et tu Brutus. And you Judas. And you, Arnold Benedictus. For I am a powder keg, and you come after me, and the whole thing will *BOOM, BAM, PSHHHHH, KAPUSHH, EEEEEEEEEEOOO, SPLAT* (explode). Believe me you when I say, in the words of our fellow Kanye, you are now watching the throne, [and] don’t let me get in my zone… I’m definitely in my zone.
I’ll leave you with this, another quote from the late great Archduke Franz Ferdinand: “Sophie dear, Sophie dear, don’t die. Stay alive for our children.”
I will stay alive for our children.
Thank you, God bless you, and God bless AMERICA
— Barack ‘Hussein’ Obama