Rare: Area Man Follows All Of The Classic News Sources On Twitter
Columbus, OH — Clicking ‘Follow’ on his cracked 2006 LG Chocolate, local candy shop owner Dennis “Organ Donor” Strobe, completed the sweep of following all of the classic news sources on Twitter early this morning as he was reportedly up, having trouble sleeping. The last news medium to fall into place was Time Warner owned CNN, and sources are unsure if the man of the hour’s self-prescribed sleep apnea had anything to do with the ultimate decision to follow the Atlanta based news corporation. In the past, Mr. Strobe has expressed strong reluctance to follow CNN at several town council meetings, as well as his local Baptist Church [St. Phil’s] Sunday Mass.
The latest example of this took place not a week ago, when Mr. Strobe was asked to do the First Reading from the Gospel at the 8:00 am music-less mass. The transcript of that reading is as follows:
A reading from the book of Matthew: Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your Father in heaven…. This reminds me. Does anyone else hate CNN like I do? They try to be so “neutral” and “non-partisan”. God I hate that pug-nosed Anderson Cooper. Why don’t you go back to Wolf Blitzer’s buttonhole, where you were born?! Anyways, it’s just really annoying because they think they’re giving us what we want to hear… “Objective news”… Blah. We don’t want objectivity. Tell us how you really feel!… And so, in conclusion, and by the grace of cheese and crackers on the cross, I don’t think I’ll be getting my news from them anytime soon. Not more than what I get from this old, and dare I say [loudly whispers] outdated book.
A witness at the church confirmed he has made this speech several times. And another witness at the church confirmed his filibusters at town council are very similar, except bizarrely sprinkled with even more religion. Finally, a third witness confirmed that after making the speech, he left the altar and proceeded to the back of the church where he was thought to be leaving St. Phil’s, only to stop, turn back around, and reach his hand into the poor box, taking what the third witness estimates to be, “a shit ton of money.” The money remains unreturned at press time of this post.
UPDATE: The subject is reportedly still following CNN 24 hours later and has since tweeted: “Tell it like the rest of them @CNN #NewsFiend #IWokeUpInANewBugatti #ITenHaveBugattis #GottiBugatti”. Mr. Strobe has also provided a comment for the allegation that he stole from the poor box, on Twitter saying: “You know what, I AM the poor… I’m poor. Poor old me, boo hoo, don’t you feel bad for attacking me now?” A follow-up fact checker has confirmed he lives well above the poverty line, almost comically above it. We have been unable to reach him for comment, again, and his windows have since been boarded up along with a sign taped to his door that reads, “We didn’t start the fire”. No, Mr. Strobe, we didn’t. But you apparently did. No really, there’s a small fire burning outside of his house and the neighbor’s are all pretty sure he started it.