End Tying In Competitive Spelling— Sign My Change.org Petition
Editor’s Note: Please sign the Petition at https://www.change.org/p/e-w-scripps-jacques-bailly-help-shape-our-future-generations-put-an-end-to-tying-in-competitive-spelling?just_created=true
Washington, D.C. — IT’S TIME WE FINALLY HAVE THAT TALK, children. We’ve been avoiding it for way too long, walking around saying ‘why is my d!ck out’ when you know damn well you took it out. What do I mean?
FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a TIE (a got damn tie-dye tie), honoring two contestants as “co-champions”, an oxymoron if I ever knew one.
NOW, I WON’T GO INTO THE OBVIOUS, “I thought this was America” [pronounced ‘murica, from the American root MUR and the Native American suffix CA-CA-CA-CA-CAAA]. I think that goes without saying. But I’ll say it here, anyway. In America, there are winners, and there are losers. There’s no crying in baseball, and subsequently, there’s no tying in America.
WHAT MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING OUR CHILDREN when we tell them that it’s not just okay to tie, but that it’s applaud worthy? How would the Second World War have ended, if we just met Nazi Germany in the middle and said, “Hey, ya had a good run there, sport. Let’s call it even. You get Europe and — ugh, yuck, what is that— China. And we’ll take everything else you didn’t get to yet.” That isn’t just… That isn’t the way history works. In the words of an old commercial for the sports energy drink VAULT; “If you want your son to THROW 50 yards, well then you GIVE HIM 50 yards.” You don’t go halfway and then throw a pissing party in the middle of the playing field with the other team.
WHICH REMINDS ME. We really need to take the friendly sportsmanship OUT of the game of Spelling. I’m tired of seeing kids (still very much playing the game) high-fiving each other after words are spelled correctly. Are you f-a-c-k-i-n-g’ing me? You must be. Where’s the trash talking? Where’s the deflated microphones? The tripping kids as they walk by to get to the front of the stage… The fake loud coughing as the words are pronounced by the committee to the contestant… The parents who care way too much, arguing calls with the judges, alongside the munchkins and Box O’ Joe they brought for the other middle America moms & dads? None of this TRUE sportsmanship, which is a part of what has made America great…
(see Watergate, Lance Armstrong, Ice Ice Baby, Mark McGwire, Monica Lewinsky, Nancy Kerrigan, the Space Race, Ferris Buehler’s Day Off, the ice cream truck driver who won $100K on Press Your Luck by learning the algorithms of the board)
…none of this has found itself into the halls of competitive spelling. And it’s really a terrible thing. It’s acutally H-O-R-S-E H-O-C-K-E-Y, if you ask me.
BUT LET’S NOT BLAME THE KIDS. Sometimes, they say the darnest things, and other times, they know not what they do. The truth is, they are the victims here, and they have been force fed through this corrupted Spelling Bee culture we, as a society, have shamefully created and upheld for far too long.
AND THAT’S WHY I’M CALLING ON DR. JACQUES BAILLY AND THE SCRIPPS COMPANY, themselves, to put an end to “tying” in Spelling Bees. You know what makes playoff sports great? It’s the fact that, no matter how long the game takes, no matter how good each side has been so far, at some point, someone is going to make a random/dumb/memorable mistake (due to fatigue, or getting over amped on smelling salt), and they will forever live in infamy. And rightfully so… they’re a loser as far as the eye can see. But on the other hand, to the victor goes the spoils.
PICTURED THERE IS ARVIND MAHANKALI, the last contestant to be sole champion of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, in 2013… it seems so long ago, now. If you watched that contest like I did, you know too that this Queens NY native didn’t G an F. When the final confetti fell down upon his 5 o’clock milk mustache shadow, he couldn’t have cared less. (He was probably looking out into the crowd and picking which chicks he was going to sleep with in the greenroom afterwards).
AND THAT’S THE KIND OF WINNING ATTITUDE we need to instill in our children. If we’re going to defeat Global Warming, win the war on terrorism, make pigs fly, create a macaroni & cheese diet that helps you lose weight, we’re going to need more children who know the value and beauty of winning — and the depression and humiliation of losing. I for one, don’t want to live in a world where pigs don’t fly, terrorists win, and macaroni & cheese makes me fat as shhh.
SO COME ONE, COME ALL, AND SIGN MY CHANGE.ORG PETITION to right this wrong once and for all. I don’t expect Scripps to change their culture of “no cheating”, but I do absolutely demand that they BAN the idea of tying from the face of their sport, from hereto and forward. Nothing good ever came from a tie. Tie-dye? How about tie-DIE. Ty-rese the actor, no… he’s still here and we lost the true good one from The Fast & Furious, Paul Walker. Formal ties? Absolutely no one who’s an honest and decent person wears a tie.
TOGETHER WE MAY BE ON OUR WAY to a new frontier of spelling bee contests. I envision, much like AND 1 street basketball, an AND 1 Urban Spelling Bee, which features street slang and urban dictionary entries as the main source of competition words. This will open the floor for new urban “demographics” to compete for highly coveted prizes and scholarships, as well as help the general population learn a plethora of new words for poop, along with a cavalcade of questionable (from a moral standpoint) sex acts. The possibilities and opprotunities are really endless.
BUT WE NEED YOUR HELP to make all this happen. And it starts with NO MORE TYING IN SPELLING BEES. Sign this petition and walk confidently knowing you’re a part of the process in making this great country stronger and better, again, in the investment of our kids and future generations.
THANK YOU, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.