The day Donald J. Trump started following me on Medium marks a low point in my life
It is February 9 2016 - or, as I will forever remember it: D-Day. The day that Donald J. Trump started following me on Medium.
Something that would have dimwitted morons shit their pants from excitement has me thinking: What in the world have I done to deserve this?!?!? Sure, I can be a bitch sometimes, but listen karma, you have gone too far!
If Donald Trump isn’t a fan of mediocre poetry or enjoys reading my responses on life advice articles or articles related to love, meaning, he didn’t hit that follow-button himself, it can only mean one thing: one of his campaign people did it. Why for fucks sake?!?! Do they think I can be of some use for their cause? Or, worse: Do they actually believe I might be a Trump supporter?!?!?!?
So, tell me Trump trumpeters (thanks to Sarah Palin, one of her many embarasssments is coming in pretty handy right now): Out of all the shit I write on Medium, what exactly made you go “hmm, following her might be a good, maybe even useful thing to do”?!?!?!
Was it my brief response on the article “8 sexual positions for underachievers” in which I state that doggy will never be the same again after the author drew the image of pretending “you’re crawling through a tunnel to retrieve a mysterious fossil to spice things up”? Did that speak to you?
Or was it my article “Adulthood has no intention of being fun”, a respond to an article that complains about how life isn’t fun when you hit 30? Did that speak to you, because you have hit 30 and realized you’re Team Trump and life is so not fun for you right now?!
Or was it maybe my opinion on travelling solo, because you’d rather travel the world solo than attend one more rally with The Donald?
It might even have been my article on “The Misconception of missing someone” that triggered something for you, because you’re missing your old pal Intellect. Well, I can tell you where he is: hiding behind the great wall of bullshit your boss has built.
Tell me, Team Trump: What in the world made you think I’d appreciate Donald J. Trump following me?!
And Donald Trump, if it really was you who hit that follow-button, let me tell you this: I despise everything you represent.
You cannot possibly believe that I would share the views of a person who said this:
“Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man — he made a good decision.”
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”
“Our great African-American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore.”
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”
“I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”
“The other candidates — they went in, they didn’t know the air conditioning didn’t work. They sweated like dogs…How are they gonna beat ISIS? I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”
And of course:
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people.”
The only statement you ever made that I can fully support is this:
“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again — just watch. He can do much better!”
I can totally understand why you’re Team Edward. He sparkles in sunlight.
So, Donald Trump, I have a request: Un fucking follow me!!
You may even ask God for help - I know you two have a great relationship.
