Yeen Gotta Lie To Kick It: The Homies Ova Hoes Phenomenon
- uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
- synonyms:lack of confidence, self-doubt, diffidence, unassertiveness, timidity,uncertainty, nervousness, inhibition;
- the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.
Insecurity is an age old epidemic that seems to go largely ignored (especially by the youth) because we all suffer from it. It’s really hard to be honest enough with yourself to face them [insecurities], so many of us don’t. Especially males. More specifically…Black males. Most of us are not too far removed from environments or people with mindsets that discourage us from showing vulnerability in any form in order to survive, (see note #3) and although there is truth to the notion of keeping your heart concealed, as of late it’s interpretations have done more harm than good.
Two and a half years ago I left from my parents house on some prodigal son sh*t to find my own understanding of the world and create my own path for myself. At the time I was 19 and I was just looking for something different, I was an individual living to please everyone else and I remained in a constant state of confusion because of it. I thought that a change of scenery would be the answer (and even though it was in many ways,) I was wrong. There was a deeper issue I was refusing to tackle at the time and it would be a long time before I actually tried to. I had no idea who I was, and more importantly I had no idea that 9/10 people around me didn't know themselves either. These were the people I sought validation from. These were the people who mattered to me the most. These were [and still are] my niggas.
We all came from the same background and in most ways were taught the same values (some more explicit than others) but there was a similar bond between us that allowed the guards we put up in front of everyone else to be put down when we were together. I was easily the most green, happy-go-lucky, romanticist of my peers at the time so every time my vulnerabilities got the best of me I turned to my peers for advice. They would all “put me on game” about how the world really is and even though I didn't necessarily understand or agree with them, I still took heed. Young, confused, and seeking validation from whomever I could find it, I began to recite the code passed from one immature generation of young men to the next.
“We don’t love these hoes.”
Now while there is some validity in that sentiment and those that it relates to, most people take them way too literally. So at the tender age of 19 I decided to “adopt” the philosophy of boys just as misguided (if not more) than I was to prevent myself from being hurt from the world, and more importantly “these hoes.” I would chant it louder than anyone around me, I would repeat it constantly on Twitter, and I even begin rapping it a lot more than I had ever imagined. I received the same false sense of security that short guys who drive big trucks with loud pipes feel when they drive around aimlessly just to show off. Somehow or another I really began to believe the venom that I was sipping wasn't all that poisoning and there would be no real repercussions. Once again….I was wrong.
Because I am, have, and always will be a sap in my own right, I have strong relationships with the females I surround myself with. During this time I saw them struggle with the effects of the “Homies over Hoes” phenomenon. I would sit there confused trying to explain to them that they were not the girls that applied to the creed, yet somehow they always got treated like the hoes we weren't loving in so many ways. How is it that these women who are willing to give themselves fully to us for nothing but time and love in return always getting the short end of the stick? Insecurity. A legion of scared young men (some confused, some not so confused) use the same phrase that was meant to keep them from women who mean us no good, to hurt the ones who actually do. Beautiful young women often take the back seat to the pursuit of the hoes we don’t love, a “fear of commitment,” and our homies.
For a various amount of reasons (too many to cover in this essay) there has constantly been a strain on the bond between the general black father and son since the days of slavery. Whether they stem from a physical or mental absence, the broken relationships between black fathers and sons and lack of strong black men as role models has taken a very serious toll on our community. As boys we seek validation from other males (more importantly our elders), causing us to feel the need to live up to the expectations of those around us. So naturally when you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who are the benefactors of a culture largely based on broken homes, (whether directly or indirectly) it becomes a lot easier to overlook some of the ills that may come from it. [In no way am I saying most black people come from broken homes. Nor am I saying the lack of a father automatically guarantees a misguided view on the world, but the perpetual cycle of disunity cannot be ignored.] I thought these dudes had the answers, for everything, not just women, but life in general. But life soon taught me a hard lesson about taking advice from people who really don’t know sh*t themselves. How can I expect someone help me better myself when they are too afraid to actually be themselves? That’s not a diss to anyone but in all honesty, most of us (especially in this society, more particularly in my generation) are really flexed up. For what? For who? When did it become cool to blindly follow someone, who is blindly following someone who misinterpreted life in such a foul way? None of us are, or ever will be perfect, and that’s ok. The sooner we learn to love ourselves, flaws and all, the sooner we will be able to love those around us more. Maybe we should actually love these hoes….or show love. Maybe that’s all they needed from the jump. Just someone to show love. Free yourself from yourself to improve yourself.