Things I’ve learned from moving out for the first time.

Your apartment gets ick real quick.

One word: dishes. It never fucking ends. Of all the things people tell you you’ll have to deal with, dishes are the one thing people don’t exaggerate on. Also, the less space you have, the dirtier it gets. Less space to clutter so everything gets dirty. The cleaning never ends. You’ll also never realize how much you care about cleaning until you have your own place.

You’ll start paying for half assed laundry jobs.

Laundry. Not only do you have to pay for it, but you have to pay to have a half assed job done, not like your mom used to do. You’ll realize you sucked more at doing your laundry than you thought.

You’ll feel like you never have enough money which will result in endless anxiety.

As you already know, moving out is pricey. So once you blow all your money on first and last months rent, food, potential new furniture and items for your place, you won’t have much left to spend on anything else. You’ll find yourself working your ass off, constantly stressed about when your next pay check will come in so you can pay your bills. And it never ends. Just once you think you’re ohkay and things are paid off, more bills arrive.

Food is food.

We aren’t all master chefs here. Food is food. As long as you’re eating you’re doing ohkay.

You’ll miss home real quick.

Home is gone. Yes, you can go back whenever you want, but its gone. You don’t want to go back because it feels like failure. You’ve started this new chapter of your life when you ideally won’t go live back home again. It’s weird and it’s scary. Your apartment will feel awfully quiet without your mom puttering around doing her regular things. You will feel lonely knowing your sister is no longer hanging out in her room down the hall. Skype calls and phone calls are all you have because you live hours away, and every time you say goodbye to your family before hanging up you’ll choke back tears because you don’t want them to go.

You might become depressed.

Your boyfriend will get upset because you never want to cuddle or have sex anymore and he’ll ask you why. You’ll respond with you’re just tired or it’s too hot in the apartment, but really you just want to curl up in a ball alone and do nothing. Feel nothing. You’ll want to distance yourself from your new home as much as possible. You don’t want it to feel like home, you’re just passing through. You’re not staying here. That’s what you’ll keep telling yourself.

But eventually your boyfriend will persist, he’ll say he doesn’t believe you. He’ll ask what’s really wrong and you’ll break down. The feelings you’ve been trying to push so far down will come back up without warning. You’ll tell him your brain has been screaming for you not to come. That you fought so hard to be here because you weren’t ready to leave home. And he’ll hold you while you cry, telling you it’s going to be fine. But it’s not fine and you still want to go home.

It feels like it’ll never get better.

Everyday you’ll get more distant from your boyfriend and from everything else. You’ll spend your days numb and quiet, with no desire to do anything. This constant feeling of unhappiness will not persist. Being away longer won’t make it better and keeping yourself busy won’t help either. You’ll just keep drifting into numbness because at this point, it feels more like home to be numb than where you are now.

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