This is hard.

I am annoyed by how difficult this is. The act of eating healthy and exercising in and of itself is not particularly difficult. It’s the planning and preparation that goes into that that is my biggest struggle.

But let me at least start with the positives before I launch into a bitch-fest:

My first attempt (this time around, anyway) at exercising was really successful. I got home from work, changed into workout clothes, took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves, and set out. I made it through the whole 45 minutes! I almost let myself quit at 30 minutes, but I pushed on. I ended up with a miserable side cramp for the final 20 or so minutes, but I pushed on.

Even better, I encountered nearly every type of person that would potentially make fun of a fat woman exercising: middle school wrestling team, construction crew, bros drinking beer on their front porch. And not a peep. I was armed with snappy comebacks and/or overwrought speeches and I didn’t need them. It was an enormous relief. Somerville, congratulations on being far more sophisticated and accepting than Providence. Somervillens (don’t correct me, it’s a thing) just have better shit to do than rag on an exercising fat woman.

Anyway, I was pretty damn proud of myself. Big thanks to my beloved sister for being my coach/cheerleader/therapist.

I didn’t walk the next day, Wednesday, because it’s my 16 hour work day. I didn’t walk Thursday because I had hours of errands to run after work and by the time I got home I was cranky and frustrated and you know what, I just didn’t feel like it, ok? Friday, I had a miserable dental procedure. Saturday, I had to work an extra long day and had a million more hours of errands to run. Sunday, I went to a dear friend’s bridal shower and spent the day having a blast with old friends. By the time I got home, there just wasn’t time. I had to prep for the upcoming work week, do laundry, etc.

In retrospect, I could have made the time. On Thursday, I should have just sucked it up. I’ll need to teach myself how to do that. I should have eaten dinner, done some work, and then gone back out to walk. Same thing with Sunday.

Also, I have not gone to the grocery store. Sunday is usually my grocery store and meal prep day. So today, I’ll eat whatever the school lunch is which, try as they might, is just not as healthy as what I’ve been packing for myself. I have to go to the DMV after work and then I have rehearsal at 7. Not sure what I’m going to eat for dinner. I think I have some veggie nuggets and frozen veggies I can heat up? I hope?

Here’s the lesson I have learned:

Doing this correctly is going to require some serious planning. I fucked up big time this week. I’m really busy, all the time. I just wrapped up the school musical which was wildly time consuming and I’m STILL busy. I’ll need to look at my schedule at least two weeks in advance to factor in exercise and cooking meals. When I have a Sunday commitment, I’ll need to make sure I carve out the time on Saturday or Monday to shop and meal prep. And then I need to actually follow that schedule. I can’t just say fuck it and order pizza. I can’t succumb to being tired and stressed and grumpy, I have to force myself into my sneakers and then out the door. I know that the more I do it, the easier it will get.

Tomorrow I will go to the grocery store. And then I will walk. And then I will prep meals. This will take hours out of my usually calm Tuesday. I will be annoyed. I will suck it up.

Eventually, it’ll just be something I do, part of my week. It’s just an adjustment and that’s ok.

Ending on a positive note:

I *can* do this.

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