Broken
I once believed that everything happens for a reason. Nothing does. Not in any way we can really understand.
There’s too many things that happen in this world that make no sense. But I always do my best to keep a positive attitude and have a smile on my face. Although I’m finding it harder and harder to keep that up lately.
It’s incredibly disheartening how sick I’ve been these last few months. I’m 10 months post bone marrow transplant and really thought I would be doing better at this point. It seems like I take 2 steps forward and 5 back. My life is forever changed and I will never be pre-leukemia Michele again. The best way of describing how I feel…broken. I always felt like something big was going to happen in my life. I just didn’t know that the something would be fighting for my life against cancer.
Calling 911
I’ve never in my life called 911 and now at this point, they have been called twice in less than two months. Last week was my fourth episode of severe food poisoning-like symptoms. I basically lost 5 pounds of water weight in a few hours and started losing consciousness.
Is it my meds? Is it my weakened immune system? Am I now allergic to new foods because I have someone else’s blood? No one knows. In the ambulance, the paramedics got very nervous since my heart rate was 164. They had me on oxygen so fast. I was definitely in danger since a normal heart rate for adults is 60–100. I even had my ER nurse say, “I don’t want to scare you but…never mind.” I told him that I’ve had cancer before, not too much scares me now. That’s when he said that he’s never seen anything like this. (A heart rate that high, extreme dehydration and how fast it came on.)
And like always; I got stuck many times and they ran an endless battery of tests on me including an endoscopy and colonoscopy. Yep…I got alien probed! It was truly an awful experience. Thankfully I was sedated when they were doing the probing but my poor stomach had already been through so much and I was on a clear liquid diet leading up to those procedures. Even now a week later, I’m unable to eat much and my stomach is still messed up.
Results Are In
Still under the influence, I woke up sooner than expected from the procedures so I was very loopy. But the G.I. doctor came over to tell us some of the results. They found a large polyp, bacteria, inflammation and 3 nodules. The doctor took biopsies of it all to see what’s going on. The waiting for the results after being through everything I’ve been through since this all began was very unsettling.
Finally we got some good news. Everything came back negative and I was diagnosed with gastritis. So I’m now on more medication in hopes that another episode will not come about. I want to believe that this will fix the issue, but I just don’t know. Even though I’ve been diagnosed, we still don’t know (nor do the doctors) what’s causing me to get so incredibly sick. I’m scared to eat, scared to go places, scared of the heat. The side effects of the new pills are already kicking my butt. Basically I’m going to be a hermit for the next few weeks praying that this won’t happen again.
Let’s just say that I’m definitely experiencing quite a few! I’m getting
dumber by the second.
Past Michele vs. Present Michele
I loved the life I had before cancer came along.
I keep hearing, 18 months later, that a lot of people didn’t think it would take so long to recover. I’m right there with them. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. So much sadness has filled my heart and I hate what this has done to those closest to me. Some days I feel like an albatross. And every time I fall sick or have one of these terrifying episodes which are getting worse and worse, I have to see the fear and hurt in their eyes. Every time. I’ve certainly thought, “what if this is it? What if I just let it take me?” But then I remember the look of love in my husbands worried eyes. My parents coming to the hospital every morning at 6:30 am and not leaving until 6 pm or later. No parent should have to bury their child. So no matter how tired I am, I dig deep within myself and fight with all of my might. For them. For me. And for the hopes of a beautiful future. Here are a few reasons why I fight…and let me tell you…none are materialistic.
Additional Thoughts About How Thing’s Have Changed Post-Cancer:
- Instead of swimming, I take baths to help with my joint pain.
- Instead of Insanity work outs or jogging, On a good day I’m lucky to get 1–2 laps of walking around the pond at my house.
- Instead of going for hikes, I’m doing good just to go up our steps.
- Instead of making plans, I’m learning how to take it one day at a time seeing as most plans that have been made all get shot.
- Instead of raising a child, I go to bed holding my stuffed animal named Moose. (He’s been with me since the beginning of Leukemia) Scott calls him my binky and it is so true.
- Instead of going on vacations, I’m staring at the walls in my house or going to the hospital for the most part.
- Instead of constantly watching my weight and trying to get to my “ideal” number, I’m wanting to now gain weight and keep it there. (I lost 10 pounds this past week.)
- Instead of going to work and living my dream as a makeup artist and founder of M3 Makeup, I’m bed ridden most days watching movies I’ve already seen 1,000 times.
- Instead of enjoying a nice happy hour after work, I take a total of 25 pills per day right now mostly from my bed.
- Instead of stressing over work, traffic, dumb people, what to wear, I’m just happy when I’m home rather than the hospital.
So for everyone who’s in good health and takes it for granted, just remember there are people out there just like me who are fighting to stay alive or have lost their battle. Even though we knew it was going to be long and tough, it’s so much harder than I could have ever imagined.
Now I know I started off by saying that I no longer believe everything happens for a reason. I think that’s an easy cop out for people to say when something’s not understood. Think about it; Sept. 11, 2001, a shooting in a school, and a personal tragedy on my mother’s side of family. What reason in the whole wide world would those things happen? Rather, a scripture from the Bible says it well, “You may not understand what I’m doing now, but someday you will.” So I will hold onto that and hope that this may make sense one day.
Perhaps if you read this and it inspires you to donate more blood or join the registry at www.bethematch.org to save someone’s life, maybe all this starts to make more sense.
*Photo Credit for top image: Sandra Johnson with http://www.sjfoto.com/
Originally published at michelemann.blogspot.com on June 7, 2015. Michele is a young adult cancer and bone marrow transplant survivor. She was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia January 2014.
