8 Perfectly Good Reasons to Despise the Beach

Two young women with the souls of grumpy old men have a ping-pong match of negativity about the beach.

So, my friend Paige Danger Triola and I don’t really understand all the mirth about going to the beach. In fact, we’re so mystified by beach worship we staged a Google Docs powwow detailing various reasons we think the beach is hellish. For your entertainment…


Johannes Jansson

Michele: No one ever asked what killed the protagonist of “Footsteps in the Sand.” I’d argue it was the sand.

Paige: Know what else sand kills? My appetite. Nothing like chewing on a Twizzler studded with rock fragments to make you forget your hunger.

Michele: Not to mention walking to the car feels like a pilgrimage to Satan. Poor, unfortunate soles!


Susan Smith

Michele: I don’t know about you, but I prefer my water not to rise up in giant walls.

Paige: Let’s not forget the sinister threat of an undertow dragging you to a watery grave. I’m not sure I want to gamble my life for a few moments of frolic.

Michele: There is no frolic. There is only terror.

Paige: “Hey, who’s ready to get violently thrown around by freezing cold salt water? I need a break from sweating out all of my bodily fluids on this chafing towel.”

Michele: Who knew vacationing could involve my face being smashed against the ocean floor?

Bathing Suits

Boston Public Library

Paige: Clingy spandex underwear that leaves nothing to the imagination? No thanks, I’ll leave that outfit where it belongs: my nightmares.

Michele: I can’t have fun when I’m wet and nearly naked and surrounded by strangers. I just can’t.

Paige: I want to know how a skin-tight bodysuit still manages to accumulate 3 pounds of sand that pours all over the floor when you take it off.


Michael Klein

Michele: Nothing like swimming with tasers.

Paige: At least you can avoid jellyfish when you see them approaching! Wait…nope, they’re invisible.

Michele: And if you get stung, someone has to pee on you. Where does a relationship go after that? I just don’t know.


Michael Verhoef

Paige: I’ll be ready to relax on my towel — just as soon as I’ve covered every inch of exposed skin with a chemical shield so I don’t get fried by UV death rays.

Michele: USE THIS OR YOUR SKIN FALLS OFF. Waiting for a sunscreen company to market their product with the truth.


John McKerrell

Michele: Shameless criminals.

Paige: “OK old lady, hand over the Doritos and no one gets hurt.”

Beach Activities

Harold Wright

Paige: Who’s up for a game of beach volleyball? It’s just like regular volleyball, except you’re barefoot and the ground is a smoldering desert plain!

Michele: How about sunbathing? It’s just like regular bathing, except with amplified melanoma risk!

Paige: Where’d the frisbee go? I was searching for it in the sky, but then I looked at the sun and now I’m blind.

Beach Hair

ser… ser…

Michele: This girl understands that awesome “beach hair” is the stuff of CW shows.

Paige: I have never once left the beach without looking like I’ve been wandering aimlessly in the desert for weeks. It’s not a good look — unless you’re into cracked lips, tumbleweed hair, and dead eyes.

Michele: That sounds like a GOOD day of beach hair for me. Mine loses its curl and then explodes into a shapeless hair entity.

Paige: I almost enjoy the look on men’s face when they’re scanning the premises for bikini-clad beach goddesses. I guess my seafoam-encrusted afro and haggard, sunburned grimace isn’t quite what they’re looking for.

Do you want to see more things from us?!

Follow me on Twitter.

Follow Paige on Twitter.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.