My Goal of Daily Meditation
I consider myself a happy person. I always have been. I believe it is both a choice and my natural state of being. I also believe that is not true for everyone. At the least the ‘natural state of being’ part. I do believe it is a choice, always. Some days, I don’t choose it. Most I do. So why would I need to meditate?
First and foremost, I started as a suggestion. A friend of mine said she had started using an app called Headspace. Prior to this, my only attempts at meditation had been more of a guided visualization and even that had been nearly impossible. Somehow I would be following along and the next thing I knew I was in the grocery store in my mind looking for coconut milk or trying to remember the last ingredient to make Tom Kha soup. How on earth was I going to really mediate, when my mind was so active I was incapable of even following along? Then I started pretending it was a good thing. Like I must be so intelligent that I just keep thinking… or some other flavor of bullshit. So I started with Headspace. Their first program is called Take 10. It took me 30 but I managed to get through ten sessions of meditation of ten minute increments in thirty days.
I wish I could say that I was transformed and am now a guru. No. Over the next couple of months I meditated hit or miss. What I did notice was I seemed to be more calm when I practiced. I was less likely to jump to the worst conclusion. I could stop the roller coaster of crazy before I derailed. So I jumped on the free meditations. It may have been Deepak & Oprah or maybe John Gabriel when I was looking to lose weight. Every once and awhile I tried to go it on my own. I couldn’t sit for hours, but I could go for a few minutes and let the thoughts come and go and not get hooked. It was huge progress.
Now I really notice when it is missing. Today I broke my rule. I have my own business and this morning after pouring a cup of coffee I looked at my e-mail. Bad. Bad. Bad. I was sucked into the vortex of crazy and it was over. No moment of peace. No letting the thoughts come and float away. I was in it and began running all day long. I found myself on a phone call with a difficult colleague and actually thought to myself, ‘if I could, I would reach through the phone and choke her…figuratively’, whoa. Then I realized, no mediation this morning. It made me want to be even nastier than she was verbally being. I let her get to me. It had been awhile since my thoughts went that far south. I had gotten used to not having those thoughts. Meditation was making a difference. I hadn’t noticed what meditation was giving me until it was gone.
I have been sitting here writing, waiting for Fed Ex to pick up a package. It’s 6:42 and I’m getting hungry. I just handed the package to the smiling driver. I could head home to make dinner, or I could go to a group meditation that starts at 7:00 near Emory University.
Dinner can wait. I am off to Twin Hearts Meditation.
For the safety of all involved.