To Overcome Anxiety, You Have to Let It In
I’ll never forget that first panic attack.
I was lying in bed, literally trembling, feeling like my mind and body were going a mile a minute. I know this might sound weird to someone who has never experienced panic, but I felt like I was dying. Like I was falling off a cliff and plummeting to my death.
My boyfriend was trying to be supportive; he was hugging me and trying to get me to visualize something relaxing.
But something funny happened. In trying to calm myself down, the opposite happened — I got more anxious.
From that moment, the next weeks became filled with fighting this horrible feeling that had invaded every cell of my body. What I didn’t fully realize yet, was the battle to eliminate it was actually fanning its flames.
What you resist persists.
Anxiety, like anything, exists on a spectrum.
A little bit is normal and can be good for you. It can keep you alert and help you perform better in high-pressure situations. But extreme anxiety can feel debilitating, especially in situations that don’t warrant it. For me, it was lying in bed trying to sleep.
Of course, having never experienced this level of panic and anxiety, my knee-jerk reaction was: I NEED to get RID of this.
I tried everything.
I spent my days researching various natural remedies, tips, tricks, and meditations to rid myself of this distress. Even though I knew none of those things would work, at least not immediately, I couldn’t help it. Doing something — anything, brought me a fleeting moment of relief. But within minutes, it would return with a vengeance.
I started down a path many people who suffer from anxiety are familiar with— I started avoiding things that I felt triggered the anxiety. And I started engaging in certain behaviours that I believed kept the anxiety away. Slowly but surely, my world started to shrink and feel very small.
Facing avoidance.
My path to overcoming anxiety began when I acknowledged that the avoidance was keeping me stuck. In short, I had to confront the very things that triggered me the most.
The goal was to slowly start facing my fears — even if they seemed irrational to a “normal” person, they didn’t feel irrational to me.
This was incredibly hard. The initial panic and anxiety I experienced happened during the height of the pandemic when I was in lockdown and stuck at home with nowhere to go. The experience was so intense and disturbing that I built walls around me to prevent it from happening again.
When facing my avoidance, I initially felt a lot of anxiety and even panic. My reaction was to tense up my body and scrunch my face like I was bracing myself for a crash. It was like I was trying to internally squeeze all my veins and cells to push out the anxiety like I was a giant tube of human toothpaste.
I was willing to face my triggers, but I was still internally resisting the anxiety and discomfort.
Something clicked when I was listening to the podcast The Anxious Truth by Drew Linsalata, a former anxiety sufferer and psycho educator.
He said this internal resistance called “white knuckling” is common, but to make progress, you have to be willing to panic. That is what slowly teaches your brain to lose the fear of fear.
Scary, I know.
I also started learning about a practice called Radical Acceptance, a distress tolerance skill used in many modalities of CBT. And also listening to Tara Brach’s guided meditations. She is a psychotherapist, meditation teacher and an advocate of the practice of Radical Acceptance.
Radical Acceptance is about cultivating a practice of non-judgement and self-compassion. Regardless of how uncomfortable or unbearable it might be, it’s all about accepting the present moment.
Relaxing into discomfort.
So I started putting this information to work. Here is a very basic illustration I drew of what accepting VS. resisting looks like in practice.
Whenever I felt my heart pounding and other sensations of panic or discomfort rise in my body, I didn’t fight it. I would lay on my couch and keep my body very soft and heavy. I would even make a half smile in my mouth. According to Tara Brach, a smile sends a powerful message of positivity to your nervous system. I would basically try to behave as if I was feeling relaxed. Even though I wasn’t at all.
Remember, my panic strikes as I’m trying to sleep or the night, so imagine how difficult this can be. Especially when you’re exhausted, and all you want to do is get some restful sleep.
Of course, bringing my awareness to the symptoms of anxiety was scary at first. But the goal was to simply observe it like I was watching a cloud passing in the sky.
After a few times practicing this, something amazing happened: I felt relief. The anxiety came and went like a wave. Yes, it was uncomfortable. But it didn’t stick around for hours, only minutes. Because I didn’t react or resist it.
Brains understand actions, not words.
It makes sense. The brain doesn’t speak English; the brain speaks in action and behaviour.
For example, think about when your brain “turns on” anxiety, especially in situations that don’t warrant it. Sadly, you can’t simply turn anxiety back off again. But what you can do is teach your brain that it is incorrectly setting off the alarm, that you are not in actual danger. You do this with action — by staying relaxed and calmly observing the storm.
If you do the opposite: avoid, tense your body, or react with more fear, you’re sending a message back to your brain saying, “the alarm was correct; we are in real danger!” And the cycle of anxiety will continue.
Avoidance is easy because the relief is instant. So it definitely feels like it's working. But the trade-off is that these uncomfortable feelings and sensations will likely return with more power in the long run.
I like how Psychologist Nick Wignall puts it in many of his great articles on anxiety, stress, and difficult emotions.
“If you always avoid painful emotions, you’re teaching your brain that they’re bad. Which will only make you feel worse the next time you experience them.”
In other words, a reaction to avoid or suppress anxiety will only fan the flames. To that end, the only way out of anxiety is through it.
After all this, I’m sure you’re wondering if I still experience anxiety. I do. But with this practice, the intensity and frequency have decreased significantly. And most importantly, my life isn’t controlled by it.
I also try to remember that recovery is never linear. I remind myself of this every time anxiety (and the depression that often comes along with it) returns to visit. It’s not easy, but I can feel myself getting better each day. Remember: even on your worst days, you are making progress.
