BREAKING: Voter Fraud in Presidential Election

“A few months ago, Helen Huxler took office as Class President of Middleton High School, making her only the latest Huxler to do so in a 200+ year streak of leadership.

The Huxlers are a veritable institution, a political legacy whose roots stretch deep into Middletonian antiquity, so it should seem unsurprising to the casual observer that Helen has carried her family’s legendary tradition of power into the 21st century. But to those of us with a keener interest in political life at Middleton, her recent victory stinks of illegitimacy.

In the immediate wake of Helen Huxler’s election, several highly incriminating facts emerged linking her to voter fraud, facts that were subsequently shunted aside and forgotten by a lumpen, ignorant student body. The intention of this communiqué is to return the damning evidence to public consciousness, and to call for Huxler’s indictment quantocius.

Here are the facts as we know them:

·Huxler’s campaign manager was caught by the night custodian snooping around the ballot stronghold in black “special-ops” attire. Huxler immediately fired her manager and denied any knowledge pertaining to the “Huxler-Gate” scandal, yet her close personal and professional relationship with her manager is well known, and it is highly unlikely that Huxler was not somehow involved with the break-in.

·The break-in was not investigated beyond a perfunctory search for damaged/defaced property.

·Huxler won the election with 85% of the student vote, an unprecedented margin of victory.

·A preliminary poll taken only a month before election night showed Huxler as a clear loser.

Remember, this is not the first time Huxler’s political ethics have been called into question. Her position as Prime Minister of Middleton Elementary should have been put into serious jeopardy when she failed to keep classified details of her teacher’s surprise birthday party from leaking. Somehow, she also managed to evade that scandal with no consequences outside of arousing the ire of certain skeptics; skeptics like the authors of this missive.

We refuse to sit back and watch her continue to act outside of the law. We are attempting to inspire further inquiries into her voter fraud accusations with this document, but if these inquiries do not begin within a reasonable period, we will be forced to take the kind of action that polite readers would rather not see detailed in print. We are a highly organized, well-resourced society and we do not consider any methods too extreme to bring this sham of an administration to its knees. Remember this, people of Middleton: action is the staff of justice. If Huxler is not soon out of office, we will take her out.”