Love Me Tinder

Sex & the Pity

If you’re planning an orgy to liven up your Tuesday evening and break up the week then, sure, a profile picture with 7 people is just great! But it’s really annoying for the ‘conventionalists’ of us out there just looking for the usual, with perhaps an outside shot at a threesome. Seriously, ‘Guess Who’ four pictures in, just isn’t fun anymore.

After being on Tinder, this wonderful app that has revolutionised life for the lonely-hearted and murderous-strangers alike, I’ve noticed a few things from what others have said and indeed my own ‘comical’ experiences. What follows are some observations for the guys, the gals and a quick word on something serious. Don’t swipe left now…

For the Guys

“Man, you never find a girl who just wants to skip the talking and go ride.”

Haha, no Tommy, aged 21, you’re confusing real life women with prostitutes and of course, your imagination.

“She used the heart emoji, she’s mine now. I’ll send back a few ‘x’s and maybe a SnapChat of my balls.”

Well, Mark, aged 27, I’m at a loss as to why Kate Middleton hasn’t left the throne for you already? Honesty, that logic seems flawless.

In general terms, every girl knows you must be a really strong man to take a picture next to all those heavily drugged and sedated tigers! Also, unless you’re selling it, remove the car as one of your pictures, it’s not AutoTrader.

For the Girls

“Go out for drinks? Oh no, sorry, I’m really not here for that, I actually have a boyfriend.”

Sorry, Amanda, aged 22, you must be confusing this with one of those friend finding apps. Have you considered using iEgo, the ego app for the modern day insecure?

“Hey is 4 horses, boys! Make sure to wow me, because hello isn’t enough!”

Haha, funny, Jessica aged 27, ‘hey’ sure is for horses, but spelling is for people. Also, this is not work, the guy isn’t being paid for this. Have you tried not being a girl from the 1940's and saying hello first; you’d be surprised how well it works.

“I don’t message back for 12 hours, guys love a chase.”

No, Sarah, aged 19, you’re thinking of greyhounds; greyhounds love chases. This isn’t a game of chess via the mail, it’s an app for people who are too lazy to leave the house, how much chasing do you think we do?! Reply and for the love of of god, unless you’re talking about Potassium, use more than just the letter ‘K’.

A Word on Emojis

Boys and girls, put something, ANYTHING into the Bio-Box other than just 16 Emojis in a row, because it’s is a sign that you’d hold a roaring conversation for upwards of seconds. While fun, Emojis are electronic flash cards in lieu of words. Do you know who uses those flash cards? Primates who have learned rudimentary communication. While KoKo the gorilla may be a good listener and a dab-hand with the old banana, she’s not your future.

A Serious Word

Alright, I’m done poking fun. At the end of the day none of those things are all that bad and lord knows I’ve done my share of cringe in my time but there is one thing I actually had intended this article to be about: Respect.

“It’s a Match! Start a Conversation or Keep Playing?”

Keep playing, really? The problem with playing games is that it automatically means someone is there to lose. We can often forget that at the other end of the glowing screen is a person; remember those things with feelings and emotions? Tinder produces this ‘sweet shop’ complex where we are surrounded with constant choice, the allure that maybe we could do better, even if what we have is already pretty great.

It leads people into believing they have a self entitlement to be mean, to hide behind a keypad and say things they would never say in real life and they wouldn’t say those things because we know they are not right. So the next time you swipe right, have your fun but make sure it’s fun for everyone and apply a little old world class into a new world app.

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