The Answer My Friend

Is Blowing In The Wind

A story of Death, family & surviving ptsd

I’ve been away for a bit. I miss medium and the creative freedom I can have, that everyone has really.

I miss my family too, those nice looking folks are mine. The tall guy is my dad and that beautiful lady is my Grandma. I came from two amazing family’s and I could not be more happy. I kind of scored on that deal and as you all get to know me more you will all find out why.

In retrospect life has delt me some very odd hands indeed. I never thought my mom was going to die the way she did. I never thought my dad would cheat on my mom 28 years in to the marriage. I want to be mad at him but my mom knew what was going on and I belive she pushed him away to save him from the sadness .

When she died the world got really dim. She wasn’t just a mom that the neighbourhood knew, she was a silent legacy.

She had influenced so many and with the stories I’ve heard she was something special that deserves to be remembered for the rock and roll she once breathed. For the easy Ryder magazines I still have and that story of losing her dad at 14. Leaving her to help raise 7 kids while my grandmother worked. That should never be forgotten.

My Grandmother was a single mother with no extra support. I found this out while digging through some papers. Grandpa was a veteran and grandma got denied her widower pension from him because a woman with seven kids made 2,400 a year. This was too much and she had to pay back a portion of what she had already recived. I often think if she would have been able to keep that how different life would be.

My Grandmother on my Dads side passed early in my life . I have one memory of a very well dressed woman looking under the kitchen table and pretending not to see me. The lights went dark and I proceeded to scream.

I haven’t looked too much in to her history yet but I’m excited. I do know she was super smart and escaped a concentration camp at a very young age.

Now here I am dealing with PTSD . I feel like a useless wimp but I panic so bad I pee my pants sometimes going in to the place that I work because people I love died there.

I refuse to let it control me to the point of just being a stoic woman that pushed it aside. That’s not healthy and I belive it was an issue for alot of the women in my family . It’s hard to battle something when those around you make you feel worse than the issue at hand.

I refuse to let go of my self happiness . I love myself too much now to just let it eat at me. Life is short and I’m not feeding that fear any longer.

I will be the one that stands up and says it’s ok . This needs to be addressed and something done about it. The stigma really needs to be put to bed. When a person is suffering from witnessing a trauma or having a sudden death occur it’s real and not thier choice . They were not born with a note that says “oh hey your going to go crazy thanks to your dad blowing his brains out! Have a nice day!”

It’s not the bad things people would rather reference us then actually admit. It means were empathetic and we pushed aside how we felt to help you feel comfortable. Some get counseling and never speak of it . Others hide the Mickey of vodka in the laundry and some just die. All to make the rest of the world feel a little more comfortable. A pain we eventually die from because your worried what the staff at Wal-Mart might think of you being associated with me.

Losing a family member especially a parent or child unborn, (which I have lost aswell) or ten is hard. That’s the blood conection that no matter what you have someone genetically who is forever on your team.

People bully one another or end up addicted . It’s sad and it needs to stop. This is going to bleed so far in to society it will make it break .

I belive there is a bigger problem with things like PTSD because we are evolving and becoming more aware of what is around us and it’s causing a bit of a problem. We can eradicate a problem but we must never forget it was there.

So the next time someone deals with death take an extra step and be kind . Never rush the grief or tell someone they have to get over it. Offer counselling in full plain view for employees to find. Don’t let others suffer in silence. Sometimes people just need an ear.

I was always raised a woman is as equally fit do anything they want . That we are all humans and though we have sub sets of differences we all bleed the same . I think we forget that from time to time.

PTSD has not been fun and trust me I hate it . I hate confessing I have this because others can’t understand and they make even meaner assumptions. The worst part is when I need support from those I always have and had from they walk away and say mean things. It really hurts.

I know though I have a blood line of incredible women and men that fought the worst things imaginable. Standing up and talking about a few taboo subjects, peice of cake .

Be kind to one another out there we’re all on the same team when you look at it.