You can't always get what you wanted

The emergency room. Worst thing is I’m not the superhero in doctors scrubs nor do I require a set of vitals from you . I only want you to stop throwing your garbage on the floor. 
 Every time I’m forced to run up to the truma bay I’m reminded of every ounce of personal pain I’ve been delt. Its breaking my heart so deeply my soul is getting infected.

I get so angry my outbursts are a sign of frailty no one around me wants to hear. Likely due to the noise of other damaged egos being strapped in and restrained for the night. Its a dark place I need to surface from.
 Tonight trouble was back and I fear it’s going to be his last . Another relationship gone. Thrown out the window in under two years . I really liked him . We would share stories with each other. I liked how every time I talked to him he acted as if he was talking to the president of the company. Like I was the big connection that got him free sandwiches and apple juice, in this case I was.

Now he will fade to black and become the next notch in my loss belt . I’m up to 445 , 5 were close 3 were family one was my mom. All here In the hell I call a job.

I loved my job. I knew the impact I made on every passing face, thank you note or hug. I know what I can achieve within those walls . But it’s those very walls that are suffocating my inner self . Its turning blue and the paramedics can’t come fast enough. Obligations weighing my chest down telling me to scream so everyone can hear why I do what I do but there isn’t a sound . No understanding, no voice, no respect. My life goes blank and the colors that once blew so vibrant go a little more grey.

over to trouble I go. He lays In a bed hooked up with a mask on. I slip him his shoe horn he left behind. He’s soundly asleep while I whisper a slight good bye. Typically I never say good bye . Turning around I hear “Good Bye.” Hes half a wake barley there and I walk away satisfied. 
There is never a good time for loss and pain it comes and goes. It never leaves you but it guides you. You have to control how much. Too much to the left and your a nightmare . One inch to the right and you blind your pain with a smile.

Letting that pain be the grey and knowing when that grey is tipping too far left or right is the power everyone needs to lean. Death is the teacher that never revealed the lesson plan. Its the hardest lesson you will ever be through. Although in the end if you stay on top of the need for clarity you will always see beyond what you want . Some times you’ll be able to see that you can’t always get what you wanted . But you might just find you get what need .

Author Alisha Kujawski 
You can’t always get what you wanted lyrics used are by the rolling stones .

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