The era of late antiquity was one of deep turmoil that saw the once bastion of civility and humanity itself go dark. It of course stands to reason that death seemed to follow closely anyone and everyone that was worth mentioning within the Roman Empire during this time.
Some deaths, like that of Julian the Apostate, were tragic and left the empire and historians only being able to ask themselves “what if?” Others, such as that of Theodosius threw the empire into somehow yet deeper trouble and forever killed the hope of a united Rome. Others like that of the particular man featured here are simply, to me, funny.
Valentinian I was co-emperor of Rome, ruling the western half from AD 364–375. Now, if you remember your history you may recall this was a Bad Time For Rome. Since really the death of Marcus Aurelius in AD 180, the empire had been in a flux and a slight but constant downward spiral lifted only briefly by some of history’s greatest men like Diocletian, or Aurelian, or Constantine. For the most part, the leaders of this time period were men of middling quality who were forced one way or another into defeat and ignominy.
Valentinian was one such emperor. Though he certainly was far from the worst emperor ever, he had his warts. He was a brash and rather boorish man that the Roman historian Ammianus Marcellinus himself hated. Valentinian also had a pretty nasty temper and a seemingly preternatural ability to select the worst possible subordinates, who he would stick by loyally in spite of obvious and glaring faults. He was, though, a reasonably capable administrator and soldier. So see? Not all bad.
Valentinian had, like virtually every Roman emperor after the golden age, spent much of his career campaigning against the barbarian tribes that encircled the empire in some fashion or another. Notable among these fights was in AD 367 where Rome very nearly got kicked out of Britain, but that’s another tale for another time.
One of these groups that Rome was perpetually at odds with were the Quadi, who lived along the northern Danube. Not entirely unreasonably, in AD 373 they became quite angry at Rome for building fortifications in the Quadi territory.
The Quadi sent messages asking to speak to someone about this issue here and there to absolutely no avail, as they were ignored by Roman officials continuously. The Quadi protested mightily, however, and this did have the result of delaying these building projects that sparked the whole tiff.
Marcellianus, the son of a a high ranking Roman officials and also one of the worst diplomats in history for reasons that will shortly become apparent, was assigned to deal with this issue. To attempt to bridge the divide between Rome and the Quadi, he summoned the Quadic leaders to a banquet ostensibly to discuss peace terms so that Rome could finally get on with the damn fortifications and the Quadi get on with their damn existence.
In what should probably come as a completely expected twist, Marcellianus had all of these tribal leaders killed in the middle of the banquet. Problem solved, right? Shockingly, this arranged mass murder did not make the Quadi particularly happy.
Teaming up with another barbarian group, the Sarmatians, the Quadi decided war with the Empire was now the correct answer.
While they couldn’t get through fortified cities, the barbarians were pretty well able to pillage through the Roman countryside as they wished. The immediate response to deal with this threat was to send in the Roman army. Two legions were tasked to deal with the rampaging Quadi and Sarmatians, however they were completely unable to coordinate with each other and found themselves routed by a group of Sarmatians shortly thereafter.
Valentinian finally heard of all of this a full year later in 374. He waited for the winter to thaw and the very next spring he set out from the Gallic headquarters of Trier to set these belligerent barbarians straight once and for all.
Quickly after leaving Trier, Valentinian and his army came upon a group of Sarmations. The Sarmations were not dumb and saw the writing on the wall in regards to how their foray into pillaging would end for them. They begged for Valentinian’s forgiveness, which he quickly granted. He also promised to lead an investigation himself as to what transpired and whom should be held accountable.
However, while accepting of their apology and willing to forgive them of their transgressions against the empire, he also completely ignored Marcellianus’ actions and blamed the whole thing on the Quadi. He made it abundantly clear that they were the ones that wrong, and that Rome could not possibly be at fault for anything that happened despite the whole thing where they murdered a whole bunch of Quadic leaders at a peace banquet.
Shortly after coming to the conclusion that the Quadi were responsible for the general kerfuffle that had taken place, Valentinian decided it was time for some good ol’ fashioned campaigning. The Romans sprinted through much Quadi territory, taking and killing what they saw without any real opposition.
He was gearing up for another round of killing and pillaging when the Quadi came to him and begged off. He accepted, under the condition that they supply the Roman military with fresh troops.
He did, however, allow one fateful concession: he would meet face-to-face with a Quadi envoy.
Valentinian was old school. He kinda had this misplaced notion where Rome was still, ya know, *Rome*. With this thought, he soundly believed that the Roman Emperor was all powerful. There was a hierarchy and he was at the top. His Word was Law and those who say otherwise will be damned to some hell or another.
The Quadi envoy, ignoring this assertion, did not begin their meeting the way Valentinian assumed they would. Valentinian expected no less of them than, essentially, getting on one knee, kissing the ring, and assuming all guilt. He said they were guilty and he was emperor, thus they were guilty. There is no gray area. That is how these things work.
However, the Quadi did not quite adhere to Valentinian’s beliefs of Roman authority. They did not believe they were solely responsible for the events of the previous few years, no. None of this would have happened in the first place if Rome had just stayed in Rome and Rome didn’t go around murdering people of importance at peace banquets.
The Quadi envoy also knew they did not speak for all Quadi leaders and Quadi tribes. They could agree to terms for just their people, sure, but were unable to speak for the Quadi as a whole.
To say this incensed Valentinian is one hell of an understatement. These filthy lowlifes had no right to say Valentinian -a Roman Emperor! Leader of the civilized world!- was wrong. The gall of these uncivilized cretins to question him! He started screaming. And yelling. And screaming some more. He was hysterical. He was apoplectic.
He was also very shortly quite dead.
The human body does deal especially well with periods of great stress, which this encounter would certainly count as for our dear emperor. As Valentinian was in the middle of berating the Quadi, he suddenly fell over and unceremoniously collapsed to the floor where he died of a brain hemorrhage.
Though there were some efforts to help him, the 4th century AD wasn’t exactly the best place in the world to suffer a catastrophic brain injury so there he died. On the floor. In front of guests he was just belittling.
There are sad deaths. There are deaths that are for the greater good. There are deaths that go unremembered. Then, every so often, there are deaths that just through some of the dark humor through which the world works are simply hilarious. The death of the Emperor Valentinian is certainly of the last category.
The information used here is mostly from what I remember after listening to Mike Duncan’s “The History of Rome” podcast.
