Mother’s Day Issues

Mother’s Day is a time of celebration and appreciation, but it’s also an opportunity for reflection and/or healthy debate with loved ones. I bring this up because I’m struggling with something. Let me explain.

I have a friend whose son just turned six years old and between you and me, he’s one seriously dumb kid. Forget about simple addition and subtraction equations, this bozo hasn’t even learned the alphabet yet. Can’t get past the letter H. How brutal is that? And I can tell he’s not learning disabled, so don’t pawn this all off on some lame excuse for his inexcusably poor grades. He ain’t ADD or ADHD. Just purely stupid. And it’s embarrassing to have a friend with such a disappointing offspring. The boy’s not even that friendly either. So it’s almost like he has zero redeeming qualities. To his parents: stop pretending your son is gifted. He’s not. He’s subpar and less than interesting.

To his mother: do me a favor and sit this Mother’s Day out, will ya? You blew it again, your little Christopher is still a sad clown. So stick the cake back in the freezer and leave it there until next Mother’s Day, ok? Better luck next year. But if there’s no room left in the freezer, shove that Shame Cake down your garbage disposable. Flip the switch on and watch as that frosting flies all over your nice kitchen counters, and take a good, long look at the mess you created. Then clean it up. If you think I’m being too hard on her…(“Lighten up, Mike. It’s Mother’s Day for Chrissake”), then you’re just enabling her weak parenting abilities. My harsh but constructive feedback will only help the parents out far into the future, even if their initial reaction is a backlash of hatred aimed towards me. But it’s like they say: opinions are like children; most of them don’t need to exist.

Listen, if the parents of the dumb son want to cut ties with me, be my guest. Because I’m not gonna deal with his bullshit for much longer. Either you fools smarten that bastard up, or I’ll show my own self the door. You have six months to fix him. The clock starts now.

Happy Mother’s Day to the moms who actually deserve it.

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