King Arthur: Legend of the Sword — A Meticulous Review

Before you go and see King Arthur in the theater, you should probably read this. I feel like it’s my responsibility to inform the average citizen of what lies before them at the cinema. This movie, unlike many other depictions of the King Arthur legend before it, lays the groundwork for all future cinematic storytelling. Before we jump right in, I think it’s important to learn a little background information first.

A Sword. Duh.

The night began at our local Target where ancient men and women meander through the aisles oblivious to their own surroundings. Most people will choose Walmart as the first place to observe people and silently judge them. Me, I prefer Target as it presents more of a challenge. In Walmart, the train wrecks are obvious. It’s like when you walk into a circus — you expect to see a clown, but not when you walk onto the playground at night. I’m not sure if that’s an apt analogy, but I’m just going to keep it there because fuck you, the reader.

I was wearing my brand new Transformers cartoon boxers that my wife had purchased for me. The tag above the front opening read “More Than Meets the Eye” which could be taken as a backhanded compliment, I guess. Nonetheless, it was a suitable crown for my flaccid comrade. I commend my wife for the tough love, but I digress.

My wife and I weaved between the lost souls of Target in search of toilet paper and Monkey Bread. We knew that in the near future our eyes would feast upon the big screen, but time was not on our side, and our only means of safe passage was a stroll through the red aisles. At long last the time had arrived for us to depart the fluorescent hell box and participate in one of America’s favorite pastimes: mindlessly watching flashing images in a social setting.

We traded one fluorescent box for another as we entered what people refer to as “The Mall.” If you are unfamiliar with the Mall, it’s a place where you can watch capitalism die a slow death. Here there are many spectacles to behold: Retail cashiers on the verge of suicide, crying babies, the smell of cinnamon buns, and teenagers with nothing better to do but look down at their handheld devices as they walk into walls. Our mall in particular has a tiny train that transports toddlers from one part of the mall right back to where they started. The conductor is always frowning and you have to wonder “Whose dick did they have to suck to get that gig?” Yes, the mall has many wonders. Anyway, as you can already tell, it’s a great place to waste time which was our goal to begin with.

After a long and treacherous journey, we arrived to the movie theater. With much delight, my wife spoke with a young boy in a glass box at the entrance. He handed her two magic tickets. These would grant us access to a portal leading to another world. If you were wondering, yes, she paid…obviously, you fool.

With tickets in hand, we were ready…ready to watch a movie. Alas, something was missing. That certain something was in the air and I could taste it — artery clogging popcorn. Now, you might be thinking to yourself “Where are you going with this, Mike?” and trust me, this is going to be good so please be patient. We were not shy about our desires, and without hesitation, we purchased popcorn. Tears of joy and butter brought us together. That’s why we married each other, you moron.

Now where was I? Oh, yes! We were transporting our popcorn to our seats. Here we would bear witness to an epic motion picture that would make everyone orgasm because that’s where my mind goes when I write. Much to my dismay, there were other people occupying the domicile where our seats were. This is common practice, but these people were better off on the barrel end of a gun. How dare they do what we were doing. What a bunch of idiots. Anyway, we sat down, surrounded by ignoramuses chatting about their oh my god moments and what offends them. Luckily, this was during the previews so no one had to die that day.

Finally, the moment arrived: King Arthur! The lights dimmed and all of a sudden….more previews played. I prematurely ejaculated so to speak. Actually, I don’t know what I’m saying, but let’s keep this train moving. Toot toot.

After the previews, we finally got to watch the movie, all two hours of it. And, let me be the first to tell you, this movie was something else. Man, there were celebrities, computer graphics, and this music, boy, this music that would really knock your socks off! If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will.

It wasn’t all bells and whistles though. There was dialogue that really made you think. It was the kind of stuff that makes you ponder your existence and want to connect on a deeper level. I’m talking like match.com deep, man.

In the end, I hope you can understand why I wrote this review. Sometimes it’s best to take the backseat in life and let other people tell you what to think. If you don’t agree, then you should die. Thanks for reading and I hope my positive spin on movie criticism can help you, and others like you, achieve absolutely nothing.

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